My blogs

About me

Gender	Male
Location	San Francisco, CA
Introduction	Attending criminal trials and Twittering the names and locations of people in the Federal Witness Protection program to mob contacts, Providing color commentary of SI's Swimsuit Issue for Al Jazeera, Proud foster father of 2 Sour Patch kids, Patenting a solar powered penis engorgement pump for nudists with ED, Donations Outreach Manager for Roland W. Burris's 2010 reelection campaign, Designing brightly colored panhandler signs that say Change I Can Believe In, Building a full scale replica of the Verrazano Narrows Bridge out of Lincoln Logs and mint flavored toothpicks, Developing the protocols for the Elders of Zion, Petitioning the UN General Assembly to formally designate The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show theme song as the national anthem of the Palestinian Territories, Designing ransom notes from assorted feminine hygiene products, Pole Dancing at Lumberjack Competitions, Attending randomly selected bar mitzvahs as an ornately costumed emissary of the Holy Roman See, Creating broadly festive videos of violent inmate conjugal visits (for friends and family), Actively training for competition in the blindfolded 4 man bobsled event
Interests	Appearing on "Hell's Kitchen" as a contestant who only speaks Algonquin Ojibwe, Finding anyone who has a copy of that nannycam video of Dr. Phil (wearing a Girl Scout uniform) praying to a full size replica of the Hammer of Thor, Playing in a World Seried Of Poker tournament in full burqa, sunglasses and backwards facing Mets cap, Using the word "festoon" at least 5 times in a Craigslist Rants and Raves submission, Becoming a commisions only door-to-door tampon salesman with the Playboy mansion in my district, Investing in sustainable hair gel technologies, The World Wide InterWeb, The sociological effects of shouting 'popcorn' in a crowded theater, Digital Videos of my Out of Body Experiences, Any bathtub stain that remotely resembles the Holy Virgin Mother, Serving as the Chilean liaison to the President's Council for Nasal Hair Appreciation, Relocating Nathan's 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest to Downtown Darfur, Establishing a Wal Mart call center in Pakistan's Federally Administered Tribal Areas, Opening a chain of baked ziti flavored frozen yogurt stores, Starting a feminine hygiene company called Victoria's Secretion
Favorite movies	My Dinner with Pepito (In this low budget film 2 self absorbed diners suffer through a 16 course Mexican "hot tamale tasting" and share their 8 hours of deep gastrointestinal discomfort with the movie's audience), That's So Raven (As part of a 6 month Juvenile Hall detention sentence for thuggery four giggly high school girls are forced to act out excerpts from Edgar Allen Poe's 1845 masterpiece 'The Raven'), Puddles 11 (Danny Ocean and the gang mistakenly spend 50 million dollars on a high tech scheme to rob a corner convenience store), Revenge of the Kurds (a College fraternity laff fest where all night keggers turn into suicide bomber recruiting sessions), An Inconvenient Tooth (Documentary of Al Gore's latest root canal), That Darned Holocaust (a new Disney High School musical), Little Black Sumo (the endearing story of a 375 pound 5 year old eating his way to the Yokozuna championship at the Harriet Tubman Pre-School for Confused Toddlers - digitally mastered for 3D), Mary Poppins Pops a 'Lude, Rocky XXII (All hell breaks loose as Rocky Balboa's rotting corpse is entered into a heavyweight title match as a lark by a group of MIT graduate students), I stayed at the Ramadan Inn on 34th Street (with Edmund Gwen as the Great Santa), Hopalong Cassidy goes to Byelorus, I Married a Water Boarder, The Secret Lives of Dead Ferrets, Don't Cry for Me Pashtun Tribesman, Zorro gets Laid, My Favorite Nazi, Los Cajones de mi Bubbe (Spanish dubbed into Yiddish with Fillipino subtitles), The Bjorn Ultimatum (where former Swedish tennis star Bjorn Borg threatens not to pay his cable bill), The Bjorn Identity (where former Swedish tennis star Bjorn Borg awkwardly forgets his passport at a Gold Club Strip Joint), Illegal Alien versus Predator (Freddy Prinze Jr stars in this rollicking tale of an unemployed Chicano day worker attempting to get on the National Sex Offender Registry)
Favorite music	The Donglin Temple Nose Blowers of Juijiang perform a medley of off-Broadway showtunes, Lance Armstrong's Treasury of nocturnally recorded primate mating screams, The Three Belas of Saint Mary's (the treasured recordings of Bela Bartok, Bela Karolyi and Bela Lugosi flailing away at empty cofee cans during Holy Easter Service week), Hugo Chavez urinates on a set of Royal Jamaican steel drums to the tunes of Bill Haley and the Comets, Valdimir Putin's knee cymbal interpretation of Ethel Merman's Annie Get Your Gun, Boutros Boutros-Ghali's arrangement of Gotterdammerung for double kazoo and spoons, The percussion duet of the Star Spangled Banner arranged for Sperm Whale Blowhole and fax/copier, The Kyrghystan National Breathalyzer team's all glockenspiel tribute to "Rubber Ducky", Kim Jong-il Goose Steps to the merry tunes of Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians, The Heinie Manush album of Penobscot Indian Gospel Music, "Knock Three Times" - an aria for coloratura soprano sung by Senator Larry Craig, Harry Connick Jr. Sings Mel Blanc voiceovers, The Royal Canadian Mounted Police Chorale Gargles a Tribute to Tupac Shakur, Tragic Alpine Yodelling Songs as Interpreted by The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Marcel Marceau Sings Gershwin (in whiteface), The Frank Sinatra/Jerry Lewis collaboration album of Gregorian Chants, Britney Spears Sings Random Sea Shanty Ditties, Richard Milhaus Nixon Whistles Gaelic War Chants with the Xavier Cougat Orchestra, The Unedited Studio cut of Louis Prima singing Wagner's Tristan und Isolde (all roles), Medieval Flugelhorn quartets transcribed for the concert triangle, Little Richard's Favorite Hannukah Songs, Gilbert Gottfried's rendition of Silent Night (recorded in Boeing's wind tunnel lab), The Oxford University Men's Chorale hums a "Snoop Dogg's Christmas", Flavor Flav lip synchs selected Gilbert & Sullivan Operettas, The Vienna Boy's Choir gets it on with Bette Midler - an unforgettable night on the High C's
Favorite books	"Who Moved my Parachute? - The amazing way to deal with your mid-jump discovery that some confused soul put brightly colored cheese in your parachute bag while you were searching for jobs online", Zimbabwe on 816 trillion ZWR dollars a day (publilshed by WTF books), The Physics behind Larry King's Suspenders: a post-gradulate level textbook at Cal Tech, Four Balls Doesn't Mean I can Walk Twice as Fast - by Jose Canseco, Hamburgler's Favorite Heart Healthy Recipes, Fatwas for the Young at Heart - a love story gone terribly wrong by Bashar al-Assad, Bert and Ernie's First Picture Book of Gay Bath Houses - Sesame Street Publishers, Defenestration for Fun and Profit, The Seven Minute Polygamist, 6 Amusing Traits of Ineffective Suicide Bombers, How I Napped through my Sleeper Cell Orientation - by Ibn Laidn, You Don't Know Dick, Cheney (an unauthorized biography by Lynne Cheney), Don Mintchik's Guide to the Orderly Processing of Chicken Entrails in a Centrally Controlled Economy; What Not To Wear to a Fidel Castro Look-Alike Party by Raul Castro, My Niece's Half-Sister Wears Manolo Blahniks by Seymour Kanoodle, Lines of my Fathers - The Secret Stories of Cocaine abuse by the Catholic Archdiocese of Flatbush, How To Dance Classical Ballet - a coffee table book of very large font step-by-step instructions for the visually impared, Assisted Suicide for Dummies, Hobby Horses of the Etruscan Era, The Lavishly Illlustated Do it Yourself Guide to Plastic Surgery, My Favorite Sushi Restaurants - by Aquaman, Lowland Maori Puberty Initiation Rites and their Affect on Recent World Court Rulings, The Falkland War in Music and Verse, My First Illustrated Vasectomy Primer, The Oxford Unabridged edition of Puerto Rican War Heroes with a forward by Don Rickles,