I'd talk to some people first. You've moved on and you're a completely different person back then. Your issues that you're dealing with today are about YOU, not about him.
If it's me, I'm not inclined to speak with him at all, but then that is just me. If you feel you must, seek counsel first.
Personally, knowing you, I think talking to him will give you closure that you need. I do think it's a good idea to talk to your Dad first, but I have a feeling he may advise you to find closure in any way you deem most appropriate.
Prayers for you.
May 14, 2010 at 9:10 AM
Anonymous said...
I'm an avoider, so if it were me I don't think I'd want to make contact. But if you feel like you need to, maybe that's the course you should take. Tough call here.
Doc, From you what I've heard over the years from you and your father, it sounds like he has been fully redeemed and is a different person from that afternoon over 20 years ago.
I probably wouldn't contact him. I do have friends - even one very close friend - who have spent time in jail and people do deserve second chances. But that level of violence is too much.
You have to do what is right for you - whatever that is. But you have moved on. You have a wife and a son. Do you really want to invite the past into your present?
I'm with Matt-Man on this one (Did I really say that?)
Based only on what little you shared here, I would need to call. But here's the funny thing ... I wouldn't call for me, but for him. I can only imagine how difficult it was for him to reach out to you after all of these years and under less than perfect circumstances.
Yes, you should be careful and I think talking to your dad is a wonderful first step (how lucky you are to have this resource).
Wow! What a powerful story and a great opportunity!
One other thing. As I mentioned in the post this is a very quick glipmse at a very broad story that to do justice takes me about a half an hour to tell. I have been encouraged to blog the story (by Vinny) on numerous occasions but I haven't for several reasons.
The first is that our main reason for beginning to blog in the first place was an outlet for Vin's and my wacky offbeat sense of humor and just oddball things we come up with. Yes we have posted about serious topics but not quite like this. Vin, Absolut (Chris) and I have told plenty of stories about the crazy things that have happend to us, usually with a humorous (and occasionally embelished) outcome. This story is easily the most awful an intriging of such stories but there is no happy ending.
The Second is that in the back of my mind I knew exactly what is happening now would happen someday. I would be forced to deal with this in some manner or fashion. I never ever thought it woulf be now... I figured a life sentance means a lot longer than 20 years but I guess not.
The third is this. I have some blame in this situation. Im not blameless. Yes I did not pull the trigger, give him the pot, the gun, or the desire to steal the car but I knew that he had these things and thought nothing bad would happen. Yes he had this gun AT SCHOOL I could have (should have) said something but didn't want to rat on my friend. Even when he held the loaded gun to my chest I told no one. A real estate agent lost he life the next day.
I guess just not good blog material. I don't want to celebrate this shameful part of my past.
I had a friend who murdered someone we both cared deeply about. Afterwards, I had horrible nightmares for a long time. I don't know that I could ever communicate with him again (he's still in prison) because I wouldn't be able to deal with all the emotions and fears that could come back to the surface.
There is one thing you have to do. You must forgive yourself for being a scared kid that may or may not have made some mistake. When we go back in time to say, "I shoulda done this" or "I ought to have done that" we always spin it so that the outcome is better.. But, you don't know that. If confronted, he might have done much worse.. This is the unknown we have to accept as just that, the things that can't be known.. Take care.. :)
Wow... that's some heavy stuff. I never would have guessed that you would have something like this in your past. Scary. I think it's a good idea to talk to your dad. And if you think you need to talk to your former friend, then go for it, if you can do so without putting yourself or your family at risk. I hope it can bring some sort of closure to the whole situation.
May 16, 2010 at 12:02 AM
[Image] As I start writing this post I have no idea how it will end. I just have a situation that I need to "get off my chest." Some of you may know this most probably won't. This story is really long but I will try to shorten it. When I was a senior in High School a former close friend of mine committed murder and killed a woman trying to steal her vehicle in our neighborhood. Through a very odd series of circumstances I became a suspect and my best friend (and blog buddy) The Mt. Cat's car was seen near the scene of the crime and was reported by the local newspaper as being wanted for information by the police. (skipping a lot of the story. I promised Vinny that someday I would blog it but never have. It's a tough story to tell.)
As the situation turned out I had a lot of information about what had happened and ended up giving statements to the police that cemented their case against my former friend. There was no trial because he plead guilty so it was not like I testified against him. He was given a life sentence in prison and even though I have never forgotten for obvious reasons I did move on in my life.
Last night I got a Facebook message from him giving me his phone number and asking me to contact him.
It's true he is out after serving 20 years of a life sentence and I actually saw a picture of him on FB at a fundraiser for our 20th HS reunion. It's almost impossible to believe where time went that someone could have serve their time on a life sentence for 2nd degree murder and is already out. Impossible, but it has happened.
All those feelings came flooding back to me this morning when I read that message. All the stuff that went down. All the guilt that my inaction caused the death of another human being because I wasn't big enough to tell someone that he had a gun and had threatened me with it.
I think that I need to call him.
I am going to talk to my father first. My father is a pastor and possibly the most wise person that I know. I know they shared letters over the years and my friend has accepted the Lord into his life and become a Christian. I think that I have to contact him. With all the baggage I carry I don't think that I can just let it go without talking to him.
I have no idea what I will say.
Thank you for reading and listening to me. Told you I wasn't sure where this post was going when I started it. At least I have a couple of hours worth of car ride to think about it. Is it ironic that I am actually going before a judge in court today?
20 Comments
Close this window Jump to comment formBe careful.
May 14, 2010 at 8:44 AM
You should call him. In all likelihood it will make you both feel better in the long run. After all...
Two of the most profound and powerful actions in life are forgiveness and redemption. Good Luck.
Cheers Doc!!
May 14, 2010 at 8:47 AM
I'd talk to some people first. You've moved on and you're a completely different person back then. Your issues that you're dealing with today are about YOU, not about him.
If it's me, I'm not inclined to speak with him at all, but then that is just me. If you feel you must, seek counsel first.
Hope things work out!!!
May 14, 2010 at 8:48 AM
Personally, knowing you, I think talking to him will give you closure that you need. I do think it's a good idea to talk to your Dad first, but I have a feeling he may advise you to find closure in any way you deem most appropriate.
Prayers for you.
May 14, 2010 at 9:10 AM
I'm an avoider, so if it were me I don't think I'd want to make contact. But if you feel like you need to, maybe that's the course you should take. Tough call here.
May 14, 2010 at 9:15 AM
Doc, From you what I've heard over the years from you and your father, it sounds like he has been fully redeemed and is a different person from that afternoon over 20 years ago.
May 14, 2010 at 9:23 AM
Wow.
I probably wouldn't contact him. I do have friends - even one very close friend - who have spent time in jail and people do deserve second chances. But that level of violence is too much.
You have to do what is right for you - whatever that is. But you have moved on. You have a wife and a son. Do you really want to invite the past into your present?
Good luck in court!
May 14, 2010 at 9:54 AM
I'm with Matt-Man on this one (Did I really say that?)
Based only on what little you shared here, I would need to call. But here's the funny thing ... I wouldn't call for me, but for him. I can only imagine how difficult it was for him to reach out to you after all of these years and under less than perfect circumstances.
Yes, you should be careful and I think talking to your dad is a wonderful first step (how lucky you are to have this resource).
Wow! What a powerful story and a great opportunity!
May 14, 2010 at 9:56 AM
I agree with Matt-Man and Dana. He has been in contact with your dad over the years. It doesn't sound like he's angry with you.
While you may never be BFFs both of you need closure.
May 14, 2010 at 10:11 AM
One other thing. As I mentioned in the post this is a very quick glipmse at a very broad story that to do justice takes me about a half an hour to tell. I have been encouraged to blog the story (by Vinny) on numerous occasions but I haven't for several reasons.
The first is that our main reason for beginning to blog in the first place was an outlet for Vin's and my wacky offbeat sense of humor and just oddball things we come up with. Yes we have posted about serious topics but not quite like this. Vin, Absolut (Chris) and I have told plenty of stories about the crazy things that have happend to us, usually with a humorous (and occasionally embelished) outcome. This story is easily the most awful an intriging of such stories but there is no happy ending.
The Second is that in the back of my mind I knew exactly what is happening now would happen someday. I would be forced to deal with this in some manner or fashion. I never ever thought it woulf be now... I figured a life sentance means a lot longer than 20 years but I guess not.
The third is this. I have some blame in this situation. Im not blameless. Yes I did not pull the trigger, give him the pot, the gun, or the desire to steal the car but I knew that he had these things and thought nothing bad would happen. Yes he had this gun AT SCHOOL I could have (should have) said something but didn't want to rat on my friend. Even when he held the loaded gun to my chest I told no one. A real estate agent lost he life the next day.
I guess just not good blog material. I don't want to celebrate this shameful part of my past.
I Still think I should call him though.
May 14, 2010 at 10:19 AM
...I suspect your inner heart of hearts knows what you want to do about this. What was your initial reaction upon receiving the request?...
May 14, 2010 at 10:27 AM
Doc, You were young when that happened. Don't blame yourself. There is no way you could have known.
May 14, 2010 at 11:33 AM
Definitely don't blame yourself.
I had a friend who murdered someone we both cared deeply about. Afterwards, I had horrible nightmares for a long time. I don't know that I could ever communicate with him again (he's still in prison) because I wouldn't be able to deal with all the emotions and fears that could come back to the surface.
May 14, 2010 at 12:56 PM
You shouldn't blame yourself. You are not responsible for what he did.
I guess I would call him, but I don't think I would let him back into my life. Or least, I probably wouldn't.
May 14, 2010 at 2:00 PM
I think I would reach out without giving him any personal information (I tend to be a doubter at times)
May 14, 2010 at 2:16 PM
Wow Doc,
I wish I knew the best answer for you, I guess I would do whatever your gut tells you to do but with extreme caution.
Hang in there.
May 14, 2010 at 3:14 PM
There is one thing you have to do. You must forgive yourself for being a scared kid that may or may not have made some mistake. When we go back in time to say, "I shoulda done this" or "I ought to have done that" we always spin it so that the outcome is better.. But, you don't know that. If confronted, he might have done much worse.. This is the unknown we have to accept as just that, the things that can't be known.. Take care.. :)
May 14, 2010 at 8:45 PM
very powerful...do whatever you feel you need to do to heal
May 14, 2010 at 9:08 PM
wow. good luck doc...
May 15, 2010 at 11:49 PM
Wow... that's some heavy stuff. I never would have guessed that you would have something like this in your past. Scary. I think it's a good idea to talk to your dad. And if you think you need to talk to your former friend, then go for it, if you can do so without putting yourself or your family at risk. I hope it can bring some sort of closure to the whole situation.
May 16, 2010 at 12:02 AM