Stan surveys wasteland Shaking head and tut tutting I sneak up behind
Heat vision? Doom breath? Radiation arsenal I opt for wedgie
June 23, 2010 11:24 PM
[Image] [Image]
Since the dawn of made-up time, when Cain fought Abel, and since the dawn of real-life time, when caveman brother fought caveman brother for that last morsel of dingo kidney, mankind has settled disputes with force. Back in the day, it was club vs. bone. Today, it’s Predator drone vs. club. Either way, as a species, we’re always at each other’s throats.
[Image] “They thought I said ‘hell.’ I distinctly said, ‘Unleash shell’!”
Which is kind of the point this week. The ancient Romans may not have invented gladiatorial combat, but they did bring it into its modern form, and with that, its modern symbolism.
[Image] “We’ve got a great new Christian Disposal System we’ve just installed.”
And by symbolism, I mean that it is the SPECTACLE of violence that we gather to witness, so that we effectively release that primal need wired into each and every one of us through a viewing of virtual and/or real violence. I read all that somewhere; it was either MAD Magazine or the philosopher Roland Barthes. Oh, yeah - it was Barthes. (Definitely click on that. The first few paragraphs sound much smarter than me, and clarify what I’m getting at here…)
In our enlightened day and age, this “primal release” takes on many forms:
[Image] [Image] [Image] [Image] [Image]
Viewing all of these things allow us to live more civilized lives. We may say we want to kill our boss, but instead of actually carrying out the deed, all of our pent-up rage and hatred towards our boss is released when we see Stone Cold Steve Austin flip off HIS boss, Vince McMahon, and give him a patented Stone Cold Stunner through a table. Our violent demons are exorcised. I read all that somewhere; it was either Roland Barthes or WWE Magazine. Oh, yeah – it was WWE Magazine.
[Image]
Romans may have felt, from time to time, like going on a Christian and/or prisoner killing rampage. Wrestling fans may have felt like going out to kill Russians, or gays, or gay Russians, or whoever was the heel that week.
[Image] [Image] "Mix well for maximum effect."
But the shared public spectacle of watching justice be served, so to speak, allowed those same Romans to settle down, return peaceably to the public baths, have crazy orgiastic public sex, then gorge and vomit all night. So there was that.
Anyway, Fight! Fight! Fight! It’s all about Fights this week, y’all. Combat, it’s forms throughout history, and our modern interpretations that we have today. And also, you can describe how you felt like killing that shithead Steve Anneese after he clotheslined you from behind in the hallway after lunch because he was pissed that you took his seat in the lunchroom that day (applies to HandsomeStan only – JSP, you were there). God, I wanted to kill that fucker. Good thing Demolition was on TV that night.
So this week is also about A) fights you’ve been in, B) wanted to be in, C) wanted no part of, D) enjoyed watching (movie fights et al), and E) any other conflict (physical, verbal or mental) that you’ve gone through.
Truth be told, there's somewhat of a grading curve this week. The more haikus about professional wrestling (in particular 80s WWF wrestling), the happier I'll be. And feel free to bash it as the dumbest thing ever visited upon society; I gladly embrace dissenting viewpoints. I would have made this the sole topic, but all that drivel at the top is my attempt to broaden it out and make this sound like a more sophisticated topic than it really is. And to hopefully not have the women click away in disgust, which probably happened four paragraphs ago.
"Haiku Hump Day: FINISH HIM!!! (Fighting, Conflict, Violence, General Antagonization Of Each Other)"
62 Comments -
Steve Fucking Aneese
Cowardly hallway attack
Keeping your seat, bitch
Wrestled younger bro
Til he got taller than me
Heyyyyy, what’s up, big guy?
Karate Kid false
Point system highly suspect
Dutch could never lose
Last Thon gathering
Two chicks fought in parking lot
Almost like…for us
Van Damme: a pussy
One miracle comeback kick
Stupid Belgian ass
Macho Man Savage
Crushed Steamboat’s throat with ring bell
A savage indeed
Orndorff & Hogan
Tag team split by jealousy
Paul…how…how COULD you???
June 23, 2010 5:37 AM
If Tony & Brent
Truly engaged in a fight
My cash on my man
I'd rather reason
but some people are ignorant
and need their ass kicked
It's Monday night Raw
All gather at my abode
to pile drive my kids
June 23, 2010 6:20 AM
Learned one thing from Stan
Dis' Ultimate Warrior
you'll get your ass beat
Real bloodshed sucks ass
but the fake stuff is awesome
and it's my hobby
Zeke learned from Stan too
how to punch guys in the nuts
three year old vengeance
June 23, 2010 6:28 AM
Mad button pusher
bicycle kick to the face
Liu Kang wins again
I lost to Reptile
head ripped off and eaten whole
Humiliating
Baraka, my guy
Great fatalities he has
but I mastered none
June 23, 2010 8:12 AM
When Life’s got you down
There’s only one solution
Beat it in the face
Memory Lane stroll
I remember Steve Annese
Beady eyed dipshit
Steven Seagal knows
Revenge is necessary
A pipe in the ass
Missing ninja pie
There’s one way to settle this
Mortal Kombat II
June 23, 2010 8:13 AM
Stan vs. Thomas
Racquetball aftermath fight
I filmed the whole thing
Two egos collide
Racquetball, gentleman’s sport?
Apparently not
Which one won the match?
Doesn’t really matter much
I enjoyed the fight
Things were ironed out
Greatest lie I ever told
“We’ll erase the tape”
June 23, 2010 8:30 AM
The truth is revealed
That Handsome Stan is Not Me
Hey, let's kick his ass!
Brillo haired bully
Tortured in junior high school
I should have hit her
Me at six feet tall
she stood 5'6" at the most
I was such a wimp
She looked like a guy
At night I beat my pillow
I should have hit her
I can take some pain
child birth, tattoos, burns from work
why was I so scared
Manly brillo chick
If I ran into you now
you'd be a blood stain
June 23, 2010 9:59 AM
Lesbian goth girl
Only girl I ever hit
She tried to kiss me
Baby Head bathroom
The lights went out, she moved in
Pow! Right in the mouth
Windmill arms reeling
she slammed back through the stall door
Onto some girls lap
Two shocked faces stare
I turn and exit quickly
then laugh my ass off
June 23, 2010 10:06 AM
If push came to shove
I think I could take Tony
He'd weep like a girl
Sad, I can't prove this
He's 3,000 miles away
We'll never find out
June 23, 2010 10:08 AM
Jean Claude vs. Steve
Get the body bag prepared
Van Dammaged to hell
June 23, 2010 10:21 AM
Fear, Catfreeek, fear
Any bully's stock in trade
Just ask Scut Farcus
Christmas Story thug
Each year I watch with such joy
As he gets pummelled
Haiku deja vu!
Since I've only won one fight
Fear topic covered:
"Remember clusters?
Kenny's bully cred was Red
Silver me knew not
With no rep to fear
He was just some weird fat kid
Deserving some pain
It's hard to look tough
After ten minutes on ground
Clutching and mewling"
June 23, 2010 10:47 AM
Real fights are one punch
Or sometimes they're just one knee
Driven into gut
June 23, 2010 10:47 AM
Tony poised to fight
What's that blur in the distance
Brent running away
June 23, 2010 10:50 AM
Segal's a fat fuck!
He'll lose fight to the Belgian
Then blame FBI
June 23, 2010 10:52 AM
Two older brothers
wrestling weekly tradition
ends with me in pain
My sister would leave
no interest men in tights
I watched every week
My brothers yelling
jumping up with excitement
I liked the midgets
June 23, 2010 11:27 AM
*Reading checker board*
"A very symbolic scene"
{{Sounds of pots and pans}}
June 23, 2010 12:33 PM
Fatal Four Way match
In the haiku ring this week
No battle royal?
June 23, 2010 12:43 PM
Hockey mask, cudgels
Psychotic Warrior gear
Beat Him In The Face
(this is going to get very inside joke-y very fast, unless people start running down to the ring from the locker room...)
I rushed this topic
Regret cross-pollination
High school, gaming...*sigh*
June 23, 2010 12:52 PM
Whateva, sucka!
I kick ass on all topics!
Yer goin way dooowwwwwwnnn!
June 23, 2010 1:15 PM
Ok, wrestling
Where oh where do I begin?
Bad News Brown or Kane?
Kane tossed out 10 guys
That's an important record
Trash talk rights secure
Now I like Sheamus
Love it when he says "fella"
Irish found their man
Warrior, the best?
He lost his belt to the Sarge
"Ultimate" failure
Stan was a Hulkster
I always despised the champ
Self righteous jackass
Andre the Giant
There's a man we agree on
Lovable monster
June 23, 2010 1:16 PM
Andre the Giant
Hands the size of baseball mitts
hmmm...what else was huge?
June 23, 2010 1:21 PM
Haikuers hiding
perhaps the topic scares them
we should beat them up
June 23, 2010 1:25 PM
van damme, a pussy?
beat up tong po and chong li
and has a great ass
June 23, 2010 1:43 PM
Nowwwww we're talkin! Sweet!
One way to lure AC out
Trash Van Damme's sad butt
June 23, 2010 1:49 PM
as a tomboy kid
i was fierce in local brawls
then puberty hit
after puberty
i limited the fistfights
to my own siblings
no violence now
not that i don't have the urge
just don't have the skills
June 23, 2010 1:50 PM
(and to rebut the first-ever Cut Promo Haiku...ahem...)
You ain't got eight legs
Dragon picture don't scare me
Yeah I said it...Punk!
(I was kind of hoping this could also devolve into one long trash-haiku-ing session...dare to dream...)
Pants, you know better
The Warrior reigns supreme
Sarge Never Happened
June 23, 2010 1:56 PM
Wrestling sucks pig ass
Movies have better fake fights
Obvious, really
June 23, 2010 1:56 PM
"Local brawls" common?
Wish I'd seen that neighborhood
Sheeeeeit - here come AC!!!
June 23, 2010 1:59 PM
Making mental note
Don't ever piss off AC
face Powerpuff rage
June 23, 2010 2:02 PM
JPX busy
Busy putting panties on
Over his diapers
June 23, 2010 2:04 PM
all too common, stan
a neighborhood of bullies
i had my paws full
now small and puny,
was big for my age back then
surprisingly tough
no worries cat dear
i suppress rage really well
you're all safe... for now
June 23, 2010 2:11 PM
in dallas, '06
abasement in coffee shop
fight i should have had
went to use the john
fat douche used it before me
seat *drenched* in his piss
i knew whose it was
was in there moments before
left to get a book
as i sat wiping
dark plume of hate in my soul
daydream of revenge
**pee-paper in bag
walk up to Mario's seat
"i think you left this..."
he'd have thrown a punch
i'd have been ready for him
quick dodge, then counter
step on his feet first
(dudes always protect their nuts)
heel crunch down on toes
while he's bent over
heel of hand thrust into nose
hot bolts of brain pain
(a myth about that:
you can't drive nose into brain
i looked it up here)
punch to throat comes next
quick jab for maximum force
now fucko's a mess
temple kick comes next
rubber sole on pressure point
he's bloody *and* dazed
*now* comes foot to balls
might just take a running start
WHUMP, in the cherries
delicate meat orbs
givers of life and manhood
popped like fucking grapes
concussion, crushed toes
nads ground like hamburger meat
his own blood chokes him
but i'm not quite done
next, i jump on his rib cage
STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP
ribs crack on first stomp
exposed jagged shards through shirt
a crab on its back
each new stomp, more squish
play doh organs get pulpy
shoes covered in ick
bellowing war cry:
"BE A MENSCH NEXT TIME, FUCKER"
"i will [choke] i will"
midst the gore, i pant
god smiles upon my vengeance
dark angels sing hymns**
then, reality
just a loser in a john
with fire in his eyes
June 23, 2010 2:12 PM
Silence descending
LOTR of all 'ku's
(slow, growing applause)
June 23, 2010 2:15 PM
I too carry hate
Long after appropriate
But I'm less silly
Revenge fantasies
I save for those who hurt me
Not sloppy pissers
(I got fitty's back
But the topic is conflict
Trying to make some)
June 23, 2010 2:34 PM
now scared of fitty
in all my tomboy brawling
never went for nads
June 23, 2010 2:37 PM
let me get this straight
your method of starting shit
is to *talk* to me?
*words* to a fist fight
i'll stab you with my pencil
ten times in the throat
June 23, 2010 2:38 PM
Star Wheels, my birthday
Random Guido approaches
All friendly and nice
Here with his cousins
"Please don't bother those girls there"
I nod and say sure
It's all a setup
The girls begin taunting me
Until I flip them off
Then in comes Guido
All "I told you not to man"
Ruined my birthday
Called Mom for pickup
Running from situation
Guido hovers near me
That's when I attack
I took my skates off, you see
He's still wearing his
I push him backwards
Rolls stupidly into bench
Slams flat on his back
First stomp is the groin
Then a sneaker in the teeth
And then another
JPX, Gary
Join me for the rib kicking
Bitch cousins look on
Wheel on them, crazy
"Picked the wrong victim this time
Fucking cunt bitches!"
They cry and we leave
Bully broken and bloody
Spits teeth on carpet
In my mind of course
Spin this fantasy monthly
I hope that guy's dead
Do fun memories
Keep like humiliation?
God I sure hope so
This story, others
My anger undiminished
My mind movies rage
Me with time machine?
I would visit these fuckos
With ninja skills, bats
Yes, copied 50
His violence more epic
I'm mad he scooped me
No, jeez -- not THAT mad
50 McGee's my homie
Drama queen or not
Such revenge for pee?
I'm puzzled and horrified
Your demons scare mine
Guess I won't tell you
I peed in your sink last month
Kidding! Or am I?
June 23, 2010 2:57 PM
Oh! You took my bait
While I was composing there
It's on now mofo
I'll block your pencil
Slam eraser in your nose
Open slap, both ears
While you are reeling
I'll pee on your white shag rug
Laughing my ass off
June 23, 2010 3:02 PM
while octo is mid-piss
berserker rage rouses me
i sneak behind him
judo sweep the leg
elbow drop onto his spleen
spleen bursts on impact
June 23, 2010 3:07 PM
Spleens are for pussies!
I rip mine out to prove it
Blind you with spleen juice
Spin kick your eyeball
It pops right across the room
Sweatpants swallows it
June 23, 2010 3:13 PM
Two men have entered
It's Haiku Hell In The Cell!!!
One shall stand, one...fall
Hogan and Andre
Red Sox and Yanks. Dogs and cats.
Octo and Fitty!
An epic battle
Optimus and Megatron
Only haiku form
June 23, 2010 3:23 PM
Grab Stan's megaphone
Put it on his head and whack!
Head vibrates like bell
June 23, 2010 3:30 PM
Stagger into ref
Ref out cold. Pee on Punk.
He's impervious!
Fitty into rage
Attacks fan in the front row
Octo & Stan watch
Ooh look! A steel chair!
Hey Octo! Want to sit down?
THWAK!!! Octo out cold
June 23, 2010 3:37 PM
Cherry blossoms fall
Like that chair on 50's head
Only much harder
June 23, 2010 3:38 PM
octo's achilles
his own mirth -- i seize the chance
while he laughs at Pants
spy the fireplace tools
crack his skull with the poker
obvious first choice
next comes the bellows
plugged into mouth, pump pump pump
make an octo blimp
his lungs detonate
viscer spews from his smug lips
shovel for clean up
hit him with the broom
that's all that's left in the set
i'm a completist
June 23, 2010 3:39 PM
Today, epic match
Tennis game went TEN hours
Oc-Fit may go more
June 23, 2010 3:54 PM
Haiku wrestling rules
Glad there's foreign objects here
Ooh look! Some golf clubs!
June 23, 2010 3:55 PM
I shrug off my hurt
With a vigorous head shake
And grin knowingly
Reach into pockets
Pull out two atomic bombs
And remove pins
One for the carpet
That I already peed on
The other I toss
Dive roll to Fifty
Snap the band of his boxers
He yelps in surprise
As his mouth opens
In drops the atomic bomb
My aim's good today
To protect myself
I open small parasol
Got from coyote
The blast is epic
Buildings kicked all over
Fifty's rug ruined
Fifty blinks stupid
Ha ha his face is sooty
Also: huge crater
The conflict resumes
Ninja hops over rubble
'Thonners watch agape
June 23, 2010 3:56 PM
Best. Hump Day. Ever.
Good thing popcorn maker works
Chair, laptop (munch, munch)
June 23, 2010 4:14 PM
ah! hubris again!
for thanks to atom bombs
RADIOACTIVE!
with face-melt powers
i do some rearranging
now he's Uwe Boll
humiliation
i tell him his movies suck
"worse than Michael Bay!"
June 23, 2010 4:19 PM
Ouch! That's a good one
Flex my fist of face-melting...
Liza Minelli!
June 23, 2010 4:22 PM
50 throws a punch
Morph Boll face into anvil
Humorous clang noise
June 23, 2010 4:24 PM
where'd my last post go?
gotta redo from mem'ry
damned irritating
---
uh-oh -- anvil face
take a sec to strategize
turn to the front row
using melt-powers
i make us all look like Gretchen
hiding in plain sight
octo walks up, wary
"which gretchen is fitty P?"
sniffs with anvil nose
steps toward Cat-Gretchen
stealthy, i move behind him
and take a deep breath
FIRE BREATH ALL OVER!
(another a-bomb power)
octo melts again
octopuddle goop
reshape into giant nose
rub into my rug
bellowing war cry:
"NOT ON THE RUG, LI'L DOGGIE!"
"no more," sniffs octo
June 23, 2010 4:54 PM
The humanity!!!
How could it possibly end???
(Jordan's shadow lurks)
June 23, 2010 5:17 PM
My sobs are a ruse
GIANT ATOMIC SNOT BOMB
All Gretchens sticky
Find the flaming Gretch
And I rip out his rib cage
Throw it in bushes
June 23, 2010 5:59 PM
Cat Gretch grabs AC
Time to show these men whose boss
AC cracks knuckles
AC breaths in
and morphs into Powerpuff girl
Hits Octo in face
He staggers back stunned
She follows with a groin kick
He falls down clutching
and in the meantime
I throw cat in Fitty's face
Claws tear his eyes out
I stand poised ready
Juggling angry kittens
waiting to strike out
Fitty tries to see
Throwing pussies like grenades
I launch an attack
June 23, 2010 6:22 PM
Fitty clawed bleeding
cats run in all directions
hissing angrily
Octo's on his feet
AC-puff swings a golf club
connects to his jaw
Octo is flying
his back slams into the wall
knocking the wind out
Fitty is up now
trying to step on kitties
through blurry vision
I blind him again
a fist full of cat litter
scoopable of course
June 23, 2010 6:31 PM
Two front cat attack!
Melt AC's club with my eyes
Cat's cats need a scheme
Utility belt
Provides flammable fish oil
I douse Stan and light
Fiery fish comet
Cats chase burning Stan down hill
Time for rocket fists
One second countdown
Catfreek left, AC on right
My fists roar away
Splendid connection
Satisfying crunching noise
They're down, but how long?
June 23, 2010 7:28 PM
Dear lord, how to judge?
Thought the battle was over
Battle just begun
Thought Fitty had it
Poetic firepower
First Octo, then Cat
MEAN poetic scythe
Wielded by...just...everyone
Who Gets the Death Blow???
Haiku master's job
SO considerably hard
This week more than most
Told Fitty he's IN
Then The Big Attack Happened
Easy, now tough, Choice
June 23, 2010 10:21 PM
Wrestlemania
Sucks that it takes up one line
Go watch III and IV
Main brilliant battles
Just like what you see here now
EPIC vs YES
June 23, 2010 10:30 PM
The rubble, it stirs
All three combatants emerge
Their eyes glowing red
No time for small toys
I deploy the Hand of God
Bass hum shakes LA
I rise glowing white
Grinning, pick up Canada
Smack those bitches up
Struck by huge landmass
My foes fly by strange vectors
Speed igniting them
Slam Catfreeek so hard
She flies right to Hawaii
Oahu destroyed
Ann to Atlantic
And for an added insult
Pigtail to meat hair
Save Fifty for last
Canada's massive backswing
Shifts the tides around
Slapped into orbit
He punches hole through the moon
And keeps on going
Replace Canada
Oops! I did it upside-down
Were dead anyway
June 23, 2010 10:44 PM
Stan surveys wasteland
Shaking head and tut tutting
I sneak up behind
Heat vision? Doom breath?
Radiation arsenal
I opt for wedgie
June 23, 2010 11:24 PM