That's really funny, this one one of my favorites and I do write Cat Fud on my shopping list because of it. I even have a copy of this up on the picture wall at work.
Three guys are captured by cannibals. A British guy, a French guy, and a guy from Brooklyn. The Cannibal King says "bring me the British guy."
They bring him out. The Cannibal King leers menacingly and says "Hey, we're going to cook you alive and then eat you, chew on your flesh, gnaw on your bones and make a canoe out of your skin. Whadda ya think of that?"
The British guy says "bring me a knife." They bring him a knife and he says "God save the queen!" and cuts his own throat.
They bring out the French guy and the Cannibal King leers: "Hey, we're going to cook you alive and then eat you, chew on your flesh, gnaw on your bones and make a canoe out of your skin. Whadda ya think of that?"
The French guy says "bring me a knife." They bring him a knife and he says "Vive la France!" and cuts his own throat.
They bring out the guy from Brooklyn, and again the Cannibal King says with menace "Hey, we're going to cook you alive and then eat you, chew on your flesh, gnaw on your bones and make a canoe out of your skin. Whadda ya think of that?"
The guy from Brooklyn says "bring me a fork." Hmm? So they bring him a fork and he says:
"(make stabbing motions at your chest) FUCK YOUR CANOE!!!"
It seems like everyone's heard that joke by now, I read it in a comic book in the 90's and it remains my favorite. I usually shorten the Cannibal King's speech on the second go so I don't bore people, but leave in the part about the canoe.
(AC, this joke ONLY works if you are willing to do the penguin moves. If you aren't prepared to "be" the penguin...don't even tell it.)
A penguin is driving in the desert. (Put fingers together, and mime driving with your "flippers".)
After a while, he notices steam coming from the hood, and the AC in the car stops working. As the temperature rises, he sees a small gas station ahead. (Mime wiping your brow with your flipper.)
He pulls into the gas station and gets out and goes over to the mechanic in the garage. (Waddle "penguin-like".) He tells the mechanic what happened and then notices the store inside sells ice cream, which sounds great in the heat, so he goes inside and orders a vanilla cone. (Waddle, and mimic holding cone in your flipper.)
After a while the mechanic gestures him over to his car. (Waddle.) As the penguin approaches, the mechanic slides out from under the car and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin looks surprised, wipes his mouth, (Wipe mouth with flipper.) and says, "What!? No that's just vanilla ice cream."
Holy shit, it's miko! Nice work AC ferreting him out with your joke requests.
I am hopeless at jokes, but figured Octo would put in a good one. He is somewhat legendary in my mind for his jokes. I had forgotten the punch-line about the canoe and just had a total giggle fest.
catfreeek- my really favorite far side is the "pegbody" snake, but i couldn't find it online. i also love b. kliban but his funniest cartoons are often his most offensive.
jpx- i'll switch, any year! :)
octo- i love it! and having been born in brooklyn i can still do a decent brooklyn accent. in fact i think i'll do accents the whole joke.
miko- yay miko! love both jokes and will do right by them. will practice the penguin flipper movements today in my office (with the door closed).
jordan- in my professional opinion, it would only be insanity if you don't have a cat.
dcd- in my family too, brother seth is the comedy genius. but since he won't be present for mr. ac's family shenanigans i'm on my own.
December 21, 2009 8:41 AM
[Image] Yeah, to this day I write "cat fud" on the shopping list. But that's not why I'm posting. I'm posting because I could use a little help. Mr. AC and I will be visiting family at the end of the week, and since his brothers use humor to cope with "family dynamics," odds are we'll get into a big ol' joke fest. Nothing makes me happier than cracking up Mr. AC's brother Stephen, but sadly, after 15 years of this tradition, I'm out of material. So if you know any good jokes, comment away. If the jokes are too raunchy or offensive for the blog (which is always a good sign), email me. If the joke is long, I'll memorize it on the drive down. Many thanks in advance- and may your holidays be filled with laughter.
"No Joke!!!"
13 Comments -
That's really funny, this one one of my favorites and I do write Cat Fud on my shopping list because of it. I even have a copy of this up on the picture wall at work.
December 20, 2009 11:18 AM
Unfortunately I'm not much help on the joke end of things though :(
December 20, 2009 11:20 AM
I'm not either. I've never been able to tell a joke, or even remember one for that matter. I would love to spend the holidays with your family, AC!
December 20, 2009 11:46 AM
Three guys are captured by cannibals. A British guy, a French guy, and a guy from Brooklyn. The Cannibal King says "bring me the British guy."
They bring him out. The Cannibal King leers menacingly and says "Hey, we're going to cook you alive and then eat you, chew on your flesh, gnaw on your bones and make a canoe out of your skin. Whadda ya think of that?"
The British guy says "bring me a knife." They bring him a knife and he says "God save the queen!" and cuts his own throat.
They bring out the French guy and the Cannibal King leers: "Hey, we're going to cook you alive and then eat you, chew on your flesh, gnaw on your bones and make a canoe out of your skin. Whadda ya think of that?"
The French guy says "bring me a knife." They bring him a knife and he says "Vive la France!" and cuts his own throat.
They bring out the guy from Brooklyn, and again the Cannibal King says with menace "Hey, we're going to cook you alive and then eat you, chew on your flesh, gnaw on your bones and make a canoe out of your skin. Whadda ya think of that?"
The guy from Brooklyn says "bring me a fork." Hmm? So they bring him a fork and he says:
"(make stabbing motions at your chest) FUCK YOUR CANOE!!!"
December 20, 2009 12:18 PM
It seems like everyone's heard that joke by now, I read it in a comic book in the 90's and it remains my favorite. I usually shorten the Cannibal King's speech on the second go so I don't bore people, but leave in the part about the canoe.
December 20, 2009 12:20 PM
A man gets home from work to find his live-in girlfriend's bags next to the door, and her sitting in the hallway looking furious.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I'm leaving you!" she screamed, "I just heard something terrible about you."
"What did you hear?" he asked, fearfully.
"Someone told me you were a pedophile!" she sobbed, collapsing onto the floor of the hallway.
"Pedophile?!" he said, "Oh honey, that's an awfully big word for a nine year old!"
December 20, 2009 1:11 PM
Hey there, Miko!
December 20, 2009 1:43 PM
Miko!!
December 20, 2009 2:03 PM
I always write "cat füde" on shopping lists, for no reason except my own insanity.
December 20, 2009 7:03 PM
(AC, this joke ONLY works if you are willing to do the penguin moves. If you aren't prepared to "be" the penguin...don't even tell it.)
A penguin is driving in the desert. (Put fingers together, and mime driving with your "flippers".)
After a while, he notices steam coming from the hood, and the AC in the car stops working. As the temperature rises, he sees a small gas station ahead. (Mime wiping your brow with your flipper.)
He pulls into the gas station and gets out and goes over to the mechanic in the garage. (Waddle "penguin-like".)
He tells the mechanic what happened and then notices the store inside sells ice cream, which sounds great in the heat, so he goes inside and orders a vanilla cone. (Waddle, and mimic holding cone in your flipper.)
After a while the mechanic gestures him over to his car. (Waddle.) As the penguin approaches, the mechanic slides out from under the car and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin looks surprised, wipes his mouth, (Wipe mouth with flipper.) and says, "What!? No that's just vanilla ice cream."
December 20, 2009 9:36 PM
Jordan you have a cat?
December 21, 2009 4:55 AM
Holy shit, it's miko! Nice work AC ferreting him out with your joke requests.
I am hopeless at jokes, but figured Octo would put in a good one. He is somewhat legendary in my mind for his jokes. I had forgotten the punch-line about the canoe and just had a total giggle fest.
I miss The Far Side.
December 21, 2009 6:39 AM
catfreeek- my really favorite far side is the "pegbody" snake, but i couldn't find it online. i also love b. kliban but his funniest cartoons are often his most offensive.
jpx- i'll switch, any year! :)
octo- i love it! and having been born in brooklyn i can still do a decent brooklyn accent. in fact i think i'll do accents the whole joke.
miko- yay miko! love both jokes and will do right by them. will practice the penguin flipper movements today in my office (with the door closed).
jordan- in my professional opinion, it would only be insanity if you don't have a cat.
dcd- in my family too, brother seth is the comedy genius. but since he won't be present for mr. ac's family shenanigans i'm on my own.
December 21, 2009 8:41 AM