Post a Comment On: Horrorthon

 [Image]1974 ***
Anyone combing their streaming services for horror movies right now might notice there's a ton of cheap new content from 2020 and 2021, and I was already a little suspicious before the rude slap that was Come True.  So when Julie said she wanted to watch a horror flick with me and I was already scrolling down Hulu's A-Z of horror movies, this extremely 70s movie stood out just from its thumbnail.
I wasn't expecting much, but this turned out to be a pleasant surprise.  That despite this fact: if there's anything I'm suspicious of more than the recent wave of low-budget horror, it's movies that start out with one of these:
[Image](Octopunk makes almost inaudible noise deep in his throat)
I'm on record as suggesting that Hammer films produced in any year in Hammer's long history tend to be very good at building mood and atmosphere, but what always happens is you suddenly realize the movie's ending in about fifteen minutes and nothing's really happened yet, and then things are hastily wrapped up chip chip cheerio and you're still hungry.
"So what are you telling me, Octopunk?" I hear you say, "have you found the mythical ...good Hammer horror movie!?!"
NO! No, I gleefully say, I have not.  This movie is a slow-moving procedural about how to stitch the good parts of a selected group of mental patients into a (giggle) Monster from Hell.  But you don't watch Bob Ross paint for the plot, right? And you don't mind watching 1974 R-rated fake brain surgery when your host is Peter Cushing as Doctor Victor Frankenstein. Cushing is exquisite in this role, the very essence of crisp British politesse, withering criticism, and a sociopathic dedication to mad science.  Here he is all pissed off because he was just caught in a lie. He's so incensed!
[Image]"You're from Dantooine? Well don't take this the wrong way but your loser planet wasn't good enough for me to blow up."
But I'm getting ahead of myself.  You can't have a buddy movie without a buddy, and in this case it's Dr. Simon Helder, a dedicated mad scientist wannabe who looks to the works of the late Baron Victor Frankenstein for inspiration, and pays a local drunk to dig up bodies for him.  He is quickly found out and sentenced to five years in the booby hatch for the crime of sorcery.  I really want to type that like I'm saying it boomingly loud.  For the crime of... SORCERY!
[Image]Here's the booby hatch in question.  If you're thinking "is that a model?" scope out the little crosses in the graveyard
Simon Helder is played by an actor I've never heard of, but he looks like he was pulled from any number of 70s sexploitation flicks.  Rowr.  Here's a closeup on his face as he's sentenced to live in a model for five years:
[Image]"I'm 70s sad"
After a stripped-to-the-waist-and-firehosed welcome, it turns out the late Dr. Frankenstein is not late at all, but has faked his death, re-emerged as Dr. Victor, physician of the asylum, and basically runs the place because he has dirt on the warden.  And now Simon can be his new best friend! What's that thing in movies when there's a record scratch, but it's actually a crappy situation suddenly reversing itself and becoming good?  Make that noise in your head.  
In what seems no time at all Simon uncovers Dr. Victor's secret room containing the super strong and extremely hairy inmate Simon was told died recently.  Dr. Victor is confronted with the truth of his mad science and is basically "what of it?" and drafts Simon as his enthusiastic assistant.  Then begins the procedural I describe above, as they transplant a genius brain into the big hairy dude and thus the MONSTER FROM HELL is born upon the world.
[Image]"Funny, I don't remember falling asleep in this Godmonster of Indian Flats costume."
That's Dave Prowse of Darth Vader fame in the monster costume there.  I read that it took him a mere 30 minutes to get through makeup and costume for this movie, which was a lot less than what he was used to.  And it shows! The best I can figure is they were going for what would happen if the Steve Austin Sasquatch had a baby with Calibos from Clash of the Titans.
[Image]They bonded over being exiled to the woods by a world that shuns and fears them
Per the formula things accelerate a bit at the end, but as the asylum already has a crowd of yelling people there isn't even the need for an angry mob to form.  The Monster from Hell is never that much of a threat, thanks to Dr. Victor being a total baller when it comes to wielding glass containers of knockout gas.
[Image]Look at that windup! Science!
Seriously though the Monster from Hell goes on two attempted rampages and both times the Doc puts the ether smack down hard.  The second time Cushing actually insisted on clambering up on a table so he could do the poison pounce himself.
[Image]Yes that's Grand Moff Tarkin climbing on Darth Vader's back.  Horrorthon gold, my homies
So like any number of baking shows or youTube videos, sometimes it's fun watching polite people working together with mutual admiration towards a common goal.  That's what Hammer is calling a horror movie here, and while you may disagree I feel it's more important to point out that it's a satisfying experience, and Hammer movies usually aren't.
Hammer made a whopping seven movies based on Dr. Frankenstein and his shenanigans, and Cushing played the Doc in six of them.  By the time we get to Monster from Hell, which turned out to be the last of them, Peter Cushing is just nailing everything about the role.  Watch him do it with company, so you don't fall asleep. Worth the time.