"Adam eagerly fondled my upper thigh, and soon we were naked, his body pressed confidently into mine. while our bodies entwined, a breeze of colors swooshed passed my face. It was..."
Lan Tran! Adam and I sat speechless, staring at the giant basket before us. Lan, wearing his trademark red and black checkered shirt had descended from the heavens in a large hot air balloon. He smiled at me and the corners of his mouth twitched; it was clear that he was trying hard to stifle his obvious pride over pulling off this magnificent romantic gesture. “Hop in, doll!” he said cheerily, completely ignoring the fact that I was sitting there naked with Adam. I looked at Adam, who remained silent. I looked at all he had done to prepare the wonderful picnic we had before us. Then I looked at Lan, whose mullet practically sparkled in the bright sunlight that only comes with spring. In a split-second decision I grabbed my shorts and tee-shirt and hopped into Lan’s horseless carriage.
We ascended quickly and I barely heard Adam’s cries of protest because Lan was kissing me passionately. I could be wrong but I thought I heard the words “ungrateful bitch”. I didn’t care. Nothing mattered at that moment. At some point I became self-conscious because I was still naked. Rather than put my clothes on, I tore Lan’s off with a ferocity that seemed to surprise the normally unflappable cutup. We lost track of time as people who lust for one another tend to do and at some point I became aware that I was cold. Lan was wrapped around me like a pretzel and I gently pushed him off me so I could put my clothes on. As I stood up in the wobbly basket I gazed at the horizon. To my horror…
To my horror, it was Jill, just floating in the air, with an abnormally large balloon clip in her hair. Apparently she had escaped from the asylum. She always loved LAN too. Why wouldn't she, that mullet, and his musky smell were impossible to resist. She soon sprung into our love basket, yanked a lock of hair from my head, and flung her and Lan's bodies over the side.
It was the strangest dream. I was purchasing some cheap deodorant and toilet paper at Target when all of a sudden bells started ringing and the lights started flashing. Balloons descended from the ceiling and I was patted on the back by strangers with words of congratulations. “You won, you won!” someone cried. I looked up to see a banner unfurl that declared “One Billionth Customer”. I surveyed the room and was greeted with warm smiles, and clapping. Then the balloons started to pop. Soon the popping turned to sounds of scraping and the dream faded away. I woke up with a start and after my mind cleared I became aware that I could still hear the scraping. “No way!” my mind screamed as I leapt out of bed. It was late October and just two days prior it had been in the 60s. I stumbled toward my window in the dark and managed to kick over a bottle of water I kept tucked by my bedside. “Fuck!” My mood didn’t improve when I peered through my blinds and saw the noisy beast that had interrupted my slumber. Sure enough it was snowing and it was snowing hard. My mind raced back to the previous winter when I had broken two shovels while attempting to dig out the large wall of snow and ice that a plow had thoughtfully deposited at the foot of my driveway. At the time I vowed to buy a new shovel but as spring came around I forgot about it as I found better things to spend my money on. Looking out the window now I was dismayed to see a new wall of crap. Hmmmm, wall of crap and no shovel, what to do what to do? I called in sick and spent the entire day watching old Stallone movies while imbibing. The snow had to melt some time, right?
The apartment seemed like a good deal at the time. For $400 I had the entire top floor of the house to myself. The place was a bit dingy and the décor was deplorable. In fact one entire room was covered with wallpaper featuring balloons that you might see at a toddler’s birthday party. I didn’t care because the place was huge! It was more room than I needed, really, and the only proviso was that I would be responsible for shoveling the steep stairs and driveway in the winter. As I stood there with beads of sweat on my brow from the hot August sun, I happily agreed to this seemingly minor point. It started to snow in October and never really stopped for the next 6 months.
“Snow day!” I cried when I looked out my bedroom window. I was 9 years old and a feeling like camphor rushed through my tubes like a cool draft. For a kid there’s nothing like the feeling you experience when you realize that you won’t have to go to school. After eating my bland oatmeal lightening-quick I donned my snow gear and got to it. A snow plow was lazily snaking its way through the neighborhood and by time it reached my house it created a wonderful white mountain ripe with potential. Over the course of several hours I carved out an elaborate snow fort complete with windows and caves. This is no easy task! Snowplow snow contains snow, ice, and rocks. Heck, I even found an old popped balloon that had the word’s “Happy New Years” adorning it. My mother eventually called me in for lunch and as my snow gear was drying in the dryer I gobbled down two grilled cheese sandwiches. With lunch behind me and my clothing dry I returned to my snowy fortress with the intention of finishing a tunnel I had started earlier. To my horror I found that I was not alone. Standing before my morning’s work was none other than Jimmie Johansson. Jimmie was the neighborhood bully and on more than one occasion I heard my mother refer to him as being “disturbed”. “Your snow fort sucks” Jimmie said in a spiteful tone suggesting that he had every intention of ruining it. Jimmie scaled my fort with the dexterity of a white-faced monkey climbing a tree to reach a banana. After crawling into my tunnel system and kicking in the walls to destroy the chambers he climbed back out. As he stood on top of the snow pile he looked at me with glee in a “What’re you going to do about it?” kind of way. The smirk on his face soon turned to surprise when he fell backwards into an unfinished chamber. “Help me out of here, I’m stuck!” he wailed. I climbed up and looked down into the deep hole. Jimmie was stuck all right. He continued to wail and I just stood there looking at him. “Get me out of here, you jerk!” Just then I heard a rumble and saw the familiar site of the snow plow heading back my way with more snow to dump…
The snow dumped, and dumped, and dumped some more on Jimmie. It dumped so much that you could no longer hear his squeaky cries. I dug deep into the snow with a stick to create a peep hole. Then I peeped at Jimmie and laughed, and laughed, and laughed some more. I figured I'd let him out in a day or two, but then we had the big Freeze of '73. The snow hardened like cement. There was no way to get him out, so I blew up a large balloon, and in my best cursive, wrote "Jimmie lives here."
Jimmy was not missed at school, in fact everyone seemed quite lighthearted and carefree without him around. Jimmy's family didn't seem to miss him either. This was quite apparent since his Mother came trudging over with 3 more balloons to add to mine making a colorful bouquet. His sister wedged a funnel through the ice and poured some soup into Jimmy's mouth, "so he will stay warm inside", she explained. In the days that followed, more school mates brought balloons. They bore captions like, "frozen douchebag" and "asshole on ice", my Mom wasn't pleased with the language so she changed it to butthole. By the end of the week there were more than two dozen balloons tied to the ice. We all laughed and played having great fun at Jimmy's expense. Then the news delivered the fateful blow we all knew would inevitably come one day. The weatherman announced a warm air stream, the thaw would soon be here.
Within days a song cropped up. It wasn't unusual to see groups of kids (and sometimes adults) standing in a circle around Jimmie's icy home with hands clasped singing,
"Jimmy fell in a hole because he has no soul Now he lives like a mole 'Cause Jimmy fell in a hole
Jimmy fell in a hole he sits there like a troll We find it very droll 'Cause Jimmy fell in a hole
Jimmy fell in a hole the cold will take its toll he could probably use some coal "Cause Jimmy fell in a hole"
The song became very catchy and soon it could be heard in schoolyards. Jimmy's mother even found herself humming it at work whenever she used the mimeograph machine.
Mothers all over town began to use Jimmy's plight as a warning whenever their children misbehaved; "If you keep up that whining you're going to end up in Jimmy's hole!" Years later Jimmy's Hole became the name of a popular band, but that's another story.
More and more people brought balloons with offensive statements to Jimmy's hole and soon the ice mound looked like it could be lifted into the sky...
and that's exactly what we all thought. With enough balloons we could set Jimmy flying high in the ice cold air. Send him floating far away to a distant land where we'd never have to succumb to his abuses again. So we rallied together, breaking our piggy banks and set out to buy every balloon withing a 50 mile radius.
"She soon sprung into our love basket, yanked a lock of hair from my head, and flung her and Lan's bodies over the side."
Lan's life flashed before his eyes. Had he known that his life would end this way he would have done things differently. He would chosen a different career, he would have driven a hot rod and he would have grown a longer mullet. As he flailed in the air he reached into his pockets in an absurd effort to find anything that might save him. All he found was a condom, which reflected his earlier intentions but now just resembled a sad balloon.
Suddenly Jill yelled, "Don't worry, baby, I wouldn't let anything happen to you!" Jill unzipped her jacket and revealed her plan. Lan now understood.
Jill yanked the ripcord and a bright red parachute revealed itself...
Chris had desired Jennifer since forever and had convinced himself that she would never accept an invitation to meet for drinks. When she gave him an enthusiastic "Yes!" he was taken aback. Things were going great and they both consumed a lot of red wine. Jennifer suggested that they leave so Chris could see her new apartment. Chris was practically hyperventilating at this suggestion. His excitement turned to horror when he realized he had forgotten his wallet. When he reached into his pocket the only thing he found was a pack of party balloons that were leftover from his niece's 5th birthday party...
"So we rallied together, breaking our piggy banks and set out to buy every balloon within a 50 mile radius."
Everyone in the neighborhood gathered for a ballon blowing party. After hours of blowing we had more balloons than we could count, and Old Man Buttwink was hospitalized for overexerting himself. We tied on the balloons ten at a time, until mean little Jimmie was flying high in the sky. Higher, and higher, and higher he flew, until we could just about see his his pathetic face crying boohoo.
A cacophony of excited sound erupted in the neighborhood as Jimmy's cold air balloon slowly drifted away. Eventually he was no longer even a spec in the sky and the daily mechanicians of the small town resumed. As days passed and chatter about Jimmy diminished it was as if he never existed. The "Great Jimmy Purge" as it was eventually referred to had a positive impact on the denizens of Jimmy's old stomping ground. In a sense Jimmy brought everyone together. The following summer there was even a block party that went late into the night. No one ever asked, "I wonder what happened to Jimmy?"
And what did become of Jimmy, you might wonder?...
And what did become of Jimmy, you might wonder?...
Jimmy lie frozen, helpless as the balloons took him higher and higher. He could hear the jubilant cheers of the people he had tormented for so long. He thought to himself, those bastards will pay someday. I can't float around forever and when I get down, oh how they'll pay. He would have uttered these words aloud if his vocal chords hadn't been frozen solid. The most he could utter was a low barking grunt that resembled a sea lion's mating call.
He floated along for days, weeks perhaps even months. He lost track of time. Then one day he heard it, "Pop!" It was the first balloon giving way...
The balloons continued to pop and Jimmy's spirits began to improve as he realized that his ordeal would soon be over. Pop pop pop! As the colorful orbs burst Jimmy sensed that he was descending. The sensation was not unlike the feeling you get when an elevator first begins to move downward. Initially it was a gentle decent but Jimmy became alarmed when he sensed that he was picking up speed at a terrifying rate. Before Jimmy went into full panic mode his crazy ride ended with a harsh thud. After a moment he realized that he was back on the ground, but where? The hard landing caused fatal damage to Jimmy's ice tomb and he was able to claw his way out. He gazed into his surroundings but was unable to see anything except spots in front of his eyes that resembled dancing balloons. When his pupils finally adjusted to the sunlight he glimpsed his new home. It was only then that Jimmy realized just how far he had traveled...
"Zebras?" Jimmy asked questioning his own eyes, "Holy shit! I'm in fucking Africa!"
Sure enough, that's exactly where Jimmy had landed. Right smack in the middle of Ethiopia. He looked around but saw no sign of human life anywhere around. Oh what a fine mess he'd gotten himself into this time. He reached into his pocket elated to find his cell phone was still there. Jimmy flipped the phone open, dead. He stood there alone amongst the zebras not having the foggiest notion of how he was to get out of this mess. He threw his hands up in the air and bellowed, "Whyyyyyyyyy!" as balloons cascaded down around him a virtual rainbow of rubber orbs.
" When he reached into his pocket the only thing he found was a pack of party balloons that were leftover from his niece's 5th birthday party..."
Chris decided to throw caution to the wind and go back to Jennifer's apartment, chances were she'd have one. Five minutes in the door and they were hot and heavy on the couch. He was ready, she was ready, and he was just waiting for her to produce what he needed. Several minutes passed, maybe hours. She cleared her throat, over and over, obviously waiting for him to make his move. He excused himself to the bathroom and quickly searched the medicine cabinet and drawers. Nothing! He darted quietly to her bedroom and searched it inside out. Out of options he reached into his pocket and pulled out a balloon.
"Out of options he reached into his pocket and pulled out a balloon."
Chris hesitated for a moment and began to debate the pros and cons. The lights are dim, Jennifer is drunk, and she's giving him all the signs that he's about to get lucky, would she even notice? He looked down at the balloon in his hand. A condom is really just a balloon anyway, right? Perhaps it was the wine or perhaps it was the pure animal lust a man experiences when he's about to gain access to the promised land, but whatever it was Chris decided to go for it. After more effort than he cared to admit he managed to get the balloon on his manhood. He looked down at his work and had to laugh. The balloon resembled one of those sleep hats you might see in a 1920's movie. Chris turned off the bathroom light and made his way back into the bedroom. Jennifer was in bed in a sexy pose. Chris began to walk towards her as his sleep-hat "condom" swayed back and forth...
'He threw his hands up in the air and bellowed, "Whyyyyyyyyy!" as balloons cascaded down around him a virtual rainbow of rubber orbs.'
His scream of anguish disturbed a group of birds in a nearby tree and they took off in unison to escape the strange danger. Jimmy suddenly felt week and collapsed to the ground. Weeks of convalescence had atrophied his muscles and he found it difficult to stand for any length of time. After a few minutes he realized that he was not alone. In a addition to the din of wildlife he was convinced that he heard giggling. Jimmy was correct. In a matter of moments he was surrounded by a group of children all adorned in tribal markings...
"Jennifer was in bed in a sexy pose. Chris began to walk towards her as his sleep-hat "condom" swayed back and forth..."
Chris couldn't believe his luck. He imagined his night crashing down on him for the thousandth time, now with Jennifer laughing and pointing at his junk. But instead she'd let out a whoop of joy followed by a growl of primal lust. Now he was looking up at this gorgeous woman as she writhed up and down on him, bathed in the swirling lights of the disco ball. Disco ball? Where had that come from? Then he noticed Jennifer grap a velvet rope hanging from the ceiling, one of a set of such ropes hung in a row. (One of them, not the one Jennifer gripped, had a small disco ball hanging from it.)
Still riding Chris, Jennifer gave the rope a fierce yank, and suddenly they were covered in balloons, falling from hidden trap doors in the ceiling and bouncing around everywhere, filling the room. As they kabounded stupidly around her Jennifer rapidly ascended to a tulmutuous climax.
"How did you know???" she screamed joyfully, "HOW did you KNOOWWWW!!!!"
Chris could not believe his luck. First the balloons save him at the restaurant, and now this...
"In a matter of moments he was surrounded by a group of children all adorned in tribal markings..."
Jimmy dropped into a protective crouch, fear lending his stiff muscles a sudden strength. But then he noticed something...they were much smaller than him. This he understood.
He rose from his crouch and swaggered over to the nearest one, who eyed him warily but didn't drop his smile. Figuring to make his message strong and quick, Jimmy threw a quick jab at the kid's teeth.
Half a second later he was flying through the air, flipping onto his back. He hadn't even seen the kid move. Bracing for impact, he was surprised when he landed on a springy cushion of balloons, and he bounced the other way...
At the momen when his head was pointing staight down, Jimmy took a vicious blow to the head. One of the kids had kicked him with startling force. He was flung sideways but bounced again, this time being jabbed in the back as he spun once more...
"These balloons!" thought Jimmy in a rising panic, "they didn't come from my icy prison, they were part of the attack!"
And icy jolt of terror seized his heart. The first of many moments of terror to come: terror of Balloon-Fu.
"Jill yanked the ripcord and a bright red parachute revealed itself..."
The silky red savior whipped from its confines and Lan grinned and braced for the happy jolt that meant their lethal descent was halted. With his huge arms he gripped Jill around the waist. In a moment the silk gave way to the parachute's cords, and they both said "Hnnng!" as they heaved to a stop, Lan willing his arms to squeeze like they were an iron vise.
Just as the tension reached its apex, there was a horrific ripping sound as Jill's body was rent in two. Her screaming torso bounded into the air, spewing a thick plume of blood and gore. Lan stared agog at the hips and legs in his arms, then took arterial spray right in the eyes. Screaming, he pushed the carcass away from him.
It was too much to bear. He thought about when this had happened before, when "as he flailed in the air he reached into his pockets in an absurd effort to find anything that might save him." It had been an absurd effort because he was naked and had no pockets.
He looked at the condom in his hands. So much had changed since he pulled that from his wallet, ready to get busy in a balloon.
Wait! Balloon! It probably wouldn't work, but at least he would go out giving Death the finger. He unwrapped the condom and held it horizontally above his head, willing it to fill with air and slow his fatal speed.
For a few seconds, nothing, then with sudden whoosh it filled up. He could already feel himself slowing. "Good thing I got magnum!" He smirked to himself.
"Chris could not believe his luck. First the balloons save him at the restaurant, and now this..."
Chris stared in unbelieving wonder as two waiters and the maître d' were all mincing around the room lost in delight, each bouncing a balloon on their finger to keep it aloft. On his arm, Jennifer giggled, and pulled him slowly towards the door. There was no talk of the check, and Chris took his moment.
A minute later the three men suddenly looked at each other. "They didn't pay!" they said in unison, and stormed out the door in a group.
The headline the next day read: FOUR DEAD AFTER NAKED, MULLETED MAN FALLS FROM THE SKY.
"She soon sprung into our love basket, yanked a lock of hair from my head, and flung her and Lan's bodies over the side."
I'd been drifting for an hour, my coldness giving way to numbness and fear. I remembered when "Lan was wrapped around me like a pretzel and I gently pushed him off me so I could put my clothes on." Silly me, I left my clothes with Adam. Lan's had gone over the side when Jill took him.
I think Jill took a swipe at me with a machete or something, because somehow in the melee the ropes holding the basket had been badly damaged. I'd watched the basket drop into oblivion and had been hanging on ever since. My weakening grip was a moot point, for as I watched the rope began to unravel far above me. Cripes, where the fuck had Lan gotten this deathtrap?
As I watched the last strands of rope spiral away from the core, I became suddenly serene. I'd followed lust and it would take my life. So be it, I thought, and as the last thread snapped I opened my arms wide, falling backwards into I knew not what, ready to accept whatever fate had in store.
"Chris could not believe his luck. First the balloons save him at the restaurant, and now this..."
Chris and Jennifer lay on the bed, stealing looks at each other and smiling. They'd laid around stunned for a while, had a smoke for the fun of it, and got back into bed and lazily bounced balloons at each other. Chris had read about looners before, but he never thought one would be so hot. He got the feeling she was getting back in the mood, and he was feeling that he was so there. Nothing could make this night go better. He looked up through the open skylight and smiled.
Then he squinted. Was that? Before he could think "flying hot ass" a naked woman sailed throught the skylight and impacted the balloon covered bed. She was bounced straight up and quite high, back out the skylight in fact, before she fell back inside safely.
Jennifer and Chris, bounced to the floor by these shenanigans, clambored onto the bed to see what was going on. The mystery woman saw the cigs on the bed, pulled one out and lit it.
Chris looked at Jennifer, who smiled naughtily. Then he looked at the newcomer. Let it ride, he thought. Out loud he said "threesome?"
The woman arched her eyebrows and thought a second. "Sure," she said.
The woman arched her eyebrows and thought a second. "Sure," she said.
Chris couldn't believe his luck! He's heard others brag about threesomes but never thought it would ever happen to him. Then the worst thing that can happen to a man in this situation happened, his "balloon" deflated. Perhaps he was over-thinking it; how do you please two women at the same time while maintaining tumescence? Chris quietly screamed in horror as he felt the impact of such thoughts on his libido.
Jennifer and the mystery woman looked at Chris and started to laugh. It started out as cute giggling but soon turned into unpleasant mocking. "Too much for you?" mystery woman practically purred. Chris remained silent in his humility. The two women looked at each other and nodded in a knowing way that made Chris wary.
Before his mind could comprehend what was happening the two vixens had him hogtied, with balloons! The waif-like ladies, if you could call them that, managed to transport Chris to Jennifer's jeep. The car ride seemed long and Chris lost all sense of direction. Mercifully his ride came to a stop and Chris once again felt groping hands all over his body. An hour ago this would have turned him on, but now he was terrified.
Chris was tossed out of the jeep like yesterdays garbage and he landed with a painful thud. The jeep drove off and Chris looked around, which wasn't easy given his precarious position. "Oh my god!" he thought when he realized where he was...
I took the day off work yesterday and by the time I got home from San Francisco it was too late to get it together to contribute something good. I enjoyed reading everyone's stuff today. (It took me like an hour.)
January 27, 2011 6:26 PM
[Image] As I've said, I'm not a huge fan of poetry, basically because it scares me to death, so I've decided to change the format for this week. I of course welcome poetry back next week or whatever the winner chooses to do. So without further delay, this week's topic is balloons, and I want you to write a series of vignettes that individually tell a story that together forms a larger one, with each including this topic in some way. I think it might be best to share my writing example and then I'll lay out the rules, which are vast, and maybe complicated if I explain them like an ass, but are meant to allow for an array of creativity. [Image] When I was a kid my mother worked for a singing balloonagram company. She would often drag my sister and me with her to work. Her goal was to go back to the shop as little as possible, and so she would cram more balloons in the car than there was breathing space. Painfully, we would sit huddled within a rainbow cave of rubber, our bodies contorted and powerless to move. Usually we were starving, but my mother’s obsessive tardiness resulted in her standard response of, “We don’t have the time. Stop being babies you’re not going to die.” We succumbed to the torture, and tried not to pay attention to the unremitting gurgling sounds blaring from our bellies, and the nauseating smell of latex being shoved up our noses. [Image] At my best friend’s eleventh birthday party there was a talentless, obnoxious clown named Mr. Giggles. With whisky soaked breath and nicotine stained teeth, he told dim-witted jokes, like why did the chicken cross the road. Even though his humor was lame, his balloon animals had been the buzz of conversation. Everyone kept congregating tightly around as Mr. Giggles, with intense concentration that made his forehead crinkle and eyes water, had successfully constructed beauties, such as a three legged dog with a missing ear, a short neck giraffe with a tumor protruding from its belly, and balloon hats that closely resembled the male genitalia. We all laughed at first, but it soon got old, and after numerous attempts to keep our attention, Mr. Giggles desperately resorted to mooning us.[Image]My sister once dated a guy named Lan Tran who always wore a red and black checkered shirt, and fixed car transmissions with his unblemished, oversized hands. One blistering summer day Lan drove up to our house with a helium tank. I watched as his beefy arms jolted and perspired while he wrestled the hefty piece of metal out from the bed of his truck and into our garage. Later, I helped Lan blow up balloons while my sister borrowed his truck to pick up friends. When he wasn’t paying attention I stole glances at his handsome feathered, streaked mullet. He soon asked me if I wanted to do it, and handed me a helium filled balloon. As I sucked the air through my throat and into my lungs, I imagined the cold air trickling inside me and being warmed by my body was Lan’s sweet syrupy breath. I began to get dizzy and lightheaded, and in an instant I was flat on my back watching my balloon whiz by my head as the remainder of helium forced itself out. Like a velocious bull, Lan charged to my side to examine my condition. I blurted that I was fine with a voice that sounded like one of the chipmunks, while with impeccable timing, as always, my sister came sauntering in with her friends and rudely told me to leave. Everyone laughed, including Lan. Still feeling the effects of the helium, I sat outside the garage with the discomforting sensation of my exile in the pit of my belly, and listened while the happy gang repetitively gulped down helium, and made crank calls to elderly people. [Image] “Bombs away,” they screamed. We had averted our eyes upward just in time to see orbs of red, yellow, green and blue spiraling down upon us. The three of us screamed from the intense feeling of latex snapping against our skin, like rubber bands, and the shock of the cold unforgiving water dripping down our legs. “You dumb jerks,” I yelled up at them. “Screw you Stevens,” howled my friend Meredith while she politely gave him the finger. Jill, who was always the quiet one, kept walking, until, out of the blue, she came to a dust screeching halt, and with the poise of a dancer lifted her insipid freckled arm to examine the cherry colored welt that was increasingly jutting out. Instantaneously, her pale skinned face turned fire engine red, while her stretched, lean fingers, which normally hung droopily by her side, began ceasing a strength that caused her emerald veins to slither and stretch beneath her pasty casing. With the speed of the roadrunner, Jill suddenly sprinted up two steps at a time to their apartment and gracefully threw Stevens out of the window. [Image] The funeral was cheerless. In an ironic attempt to memorialize Stevens, someone at the burial released several hand signed balloons. Little boys jumped wildly in the air in an effort to keep them captive, but as the spheres were sucked further into the cosmic sky, loosing their importance to the eyes, the boys began to cry. [Image] Adam, my college boyfriend, who I met at Stevens' funeral, took me on a surprise picnic in a secluded spot with rolling hills as far as the eyes could see. We ate cheese, strawberries, and more wine than either of us should have drank. Adam eagerly fondled my upper thigh, and soon we were naked, his body pressed confidently into mine. while our bodies entwined, a breeze of colors swooshed passed my face. It was... Now, on to the rules: 1) Each vignette must include balloons in some form. This means, for example, it can be actual balloons; a balloon design on a shirt, tablecloth, window, etc.; maybe something that looks like balloons; or simply conversations about balloons. 2) Each vignette needs to tell a story, while together forming a larger one. 3) You cannot write an ending to each series of vignettes. You want them to stay open. Why? See rule 4. 4) You can choose to continue writing my last vignette, which I left unfinished, and then continue that series; or you can write an entirely new series of vignettes; or you can write off of someone else's series. You don't have to pick up where the last person left off. For example, say JPX decided to finish my last one and continue the story for a few more vignettes. Cat could then either pickup where JPX left off or she could choose to write where I left off and send the story in a completely different direction. 5) Your stories have to include balloons, but other than that they can incorporate anything you want and be wherever you want. They can be about people, animals, objects, locations, senses, etc. They can take place over the course of an hour, a day, or a lifetime. 6) Write as little or as much as you want. 7) If I've confused the hell out of you, and you don't know what to do, then just write anything that you want. Rules were meant to be broken, and no matter what, if I love it, I'll award you the winner. All right, enough rules, now go have some fun with balloons.
"Balloon Party!"
27 Comments -
"Adam eagerly fondled my upper thigh, and soon we were naked, his body pressed confidently into mine. while our bodies entwined, a breeze of colors swooshed passed my face. It was..."
Lan Tran! Adam and I sat speechless, staring at the giant basket before us. Lan, wearing his trademark red and black checkered shirt had descended from the heavens in a large hot air balloon. He smiled at me and the corners of his mouth twitched; it was clear that he was trying hard to stifle his obvious pride over pulling off this magnificent romantic gesture. “Hop in, doll!” he said cheerily, completely ignoring the fact that I was sitting there naked with Adam. I looked at Adam, who remained silent. I looked at all he had done to prepare the wonderful picnic we had before us. Then I looked at Lan, whose mullet practically sparkled in the bright sunlight that only comes with spring. In a split-second decision I grabbed my shorts and tee-shirt and hopped into Lan’s horseless carriage.
We ascended quickly and I barely heard Adam’s cries of protest because Lan was kissing me passionately. I could be wrong but I thought I heard the words “ungrateful bitch”. I didn’t care. Nothing mattered at that moment. At some point I became self-conscious because I was still naked. Rather than put my clothes on, I tore Lan’s off with a ferocity that seemed to surprise the normally unflappable cutup. We lost track of time as people who lust for one another tend to do and at some point I became aware that I was cold. Lan was wrapped around me like a pretzel and I gently pushed him off me so I could put my clothes on. As I stood up in the wobbly basket I gazed at the horizon. To my horror…
January 26, 2011 4:14 AM
To my horror, it was Jill, just floating in the air, with an abnormally large balloon clip in her hair. Apparently she had escaped from the asylum. She always loved LAN too. Why wouldn't she, that mullet, and his musky smell were impossible to resist. She soon sprung into our love basket, yanked a lock of hair from my head, and flung her and Lan's bodies over the side.
January 26, 2011 7:35 AM
It was the strangest dream. I was purchasing some cheap deodorant and toilet paper at Target when all of a sudden bells started ringing and the lights started flashing. Balloons descended from the ceiling and I was patted on the back by strangers with words of congratulations. “You won, you won!” someone cried. I looked up to see a banner unfurl that declared “One Billionth Customer”. I surveyed the room and was greeted with warm smiles, and clapping. Then the balloons started to pop. Soon the popping turned to sounds of scraping and the dream faded away. I woke up with a start and after my mind cleared I became aware that I could still hear the scraping. “No way!” my mind screamed as I leapt out of bed. It was late October and just two days prior it had been in the 60s. I stumbled toward my window in the dark and managed to kick over a bottle of water I kept tucked by my bedside. “Fuck!” My mood didn’t improve when I peered through my blinds and saw the noisy beast that had interrupted my slumber. Sure enough it was snowing and it was snowing hard. My mind raced back to the previous winter when I had broken two shovels while attempting to dig out the large wall of snow and ice that a plow had thoughtfully deposited at the foot of my driveway. At the time I vowed to buy a new shovel but as spring came around I forgot about it as I found better things to spend my money on. Looking out the window now I was dismayed to see a new wall of crap. Hmmmm, wall of crap and no shovel, what to do what to do? I called in sick and spent the entire day watching old Stallone movies while imbibing. The snow had to melt some time, right?
The apartment seemed like a good deal at the time. For $400 I had the entire top floor of the house to myself. The place was a bit dingy and the décor was deplorable. In fact one entire room was covered with wallpaper featuring balloons that you might see at a toddler’s birthday party. I didn’t care because the place was huge! It was more room than I needed, really, and the only proviso was that I would be responsible for shoveling the steep stairs and driveway in the winter. As I stood there with beads of sweat on my brow from the hot August sun, I happily agreed to this seemingly minor point. It started to snow in October and never really stopped for the next 6 months.
January 26, 2011 9:22 AM
“Snow day!” I cried when I looked out my bedroom window. I was 9 years old and a feeling like camphor rushed through my tubes like a cool draft. For a kid there’s nothing like the feeling you experience when you realize that you won’t have to go to school. After eating my bland oatmeal lightening-quick I donned my snow gear and got to it. A snow plow was lazily snaking its way through the neighborhood and by time it reached my house it created a wonderful white mountain ripe with potential. Over the course of several hours I carved out an elaborate snow fort complete with windows and caves. This is no easy task! Snowplow snow contains snow, ice, and rocks. Heck, I even found an old popped balloon that had the word’s “Happy New Years” adorning it. My mother eventually called me in for lunch and as my snow gear was drying in the dryer I gobbled down two grilled cheese sandwiches. With lunch behind me and my clothing dry I returned to my snowy fortress with the intention of finishing a tunnel I had started earlier. To my horror I found that I was not alone. Standing before my morning’s work was none other than Jimmie Johansson. Jimmie was the neighborhood bully and on more than one occasion I heard my mother refer to him as being “disturbed”. “Your snow fort sucks” Jimmie said in a spiteful tone suggesting that he had every intention of ruining it. Jimmie scaled my fort with the dexterity of a white-faced monkey climbing a tree to reach a banana. After crawling into my tunnel system and kicking in the walls to destroy the chambers he climbed back out. As he stood on top of the snow pile he looked at me with glee in a “What’re you going to do about it?” kind of way. The smirk on his face soon turned to surprise when he fell backwards into an unfinished chamber. “Help me out of here, I’m stuck!” he wailed. I climbed up and looked down into the deep hole. Jimmie was stuck all right. He continued to wail and I just stood there looking at him. “Get me out of here, you jerk!” Just then I heard a rumble and saw the familiar site of the snow plow heading back my way with more snow to dump…
January 26, 2011 9:22 AM
The snow dumped, and dumped, and dumped some more on Jimmie. It dumped so much that you could no longer hear his squeaky cries. I dug deep into the snow with a stick to create a peep hole. Then I peeped at Jimmie and laughed, and laughed, and laughed some more. I figured I'd let him out in a day or two, but then we had the big Freeze of '73. The snow hardened like cement. There was no way to get him out, so I blew up a large balloon, and in my best cursive, wrote "Jimmie lives here."
January 26, 2011 9:46 AM
Jimmy was not missed at school, in fact everyone seemed quite lighthearted and carefree without him around. Jimmy's family didn't seem to miss him either. This was quite apparent since his Mother came trudging over with 3 more balloons to add to mine making a colorful bouquet. His sister wedged a funnel through the ice and poured some soup into Jimmy's mouth, "so he will stay warm inside", she explained. In the days that followed, more school mates brought balloons. They bore captions like, "frozen douchebag" and "asshole on ice", my Mom wasn't pleased with the language so she changed it to butthole. By the end of the week there were more than two dozen balloons tied to the ice. We all laughed and played having great fun at Jimmy's expense. Then the news delivered the fateful blow we all knew would inevitably come one day. The weatherman announced a warm air stream, the thaw would soon be here.
January 26, 2011 10:45 AM
Within days a song cropped up. It wasn't unusual to see groups of kids (and sometimes adults) standing in a circle around Jimmie's icy home with hands clasped singing,
"Jimmy fell in a hole
because he has no soul
Now he lives like a mole
'Cause Jimmy fell in a hole
Jimmy fell in a hole
he sits there like a troll
We find it very droll
'Cause Jimmy fell in a hole
Jimmy fell in a hole
the cold will take its toll
he could probably use some coal
"Cause Jimmy fell in a hole"
The song became very catchy and soon it could be heard in schoolyards. Jimmy's mother even found herself humming it at work whenever she used the mimeograph machine.
Mothers all over town began to use Jimmy's plight as a warning whenever their children misbehaved; "If you keep up that whining you're going to end up in Jimmy's hole!" Years later Jimmy's Hole became the name of a popular band, but that's another story.
More and more people brought balloons with offensive statements to Jimmy's hole and soon the ice mound looked like it could be lifted into the sky...
January 26, 2011 2:14 PM
and that's exactly what we all thought. With enough balloons we could set Jimmy flying high in the ice cold air. Send him floating far away to a distant land where we'd never have to succumb to his abuses again. So we rallied together, breaking our piggy banks and set out to buy every balloon withing a 50 mile radius.
January 26, 2011 2:37 PM
"She soon sprung into our love basket, yanked a lock of hair from my head, and flung her and Lan's bodies over the side."
Lan's life flashed before his eyes. Had he known that his life would end this way he would have done things differently. He would chosen a different career, he would have driven a hot rod and he would have grown a longer mullet. As he flailed in the air he reached into his pockets in an absurd effort to find anything that might save him. All he found was a condom, which reflected his earlier intentions but now just resembled a sad balloon.
Suddenly Jill yelled, "Don't worry, baby, I wouldn't let anything happen to you!" Jill unzipped her jacket and revealed her plan. Lan now understood.
Jill yanked the ripcord and a bright red parachute revealed itself...
January 26, 2011 2:42 PM
Chris had desired Jennifer since forever and had convinced himself that she would never accept an invitation to meet for drinks. When she gave him an enthusiastic "Yes!" he was taken aback. Things were going great and they both consumed a lot of red wine. Jennifer suggested that they leave so Chris could see her new apartment. Chris was practically hyperventilating at this suggestion. His excitement turned to horror when he realized he had forgotten his wallet. When he reached into his pocket the only thing he found was a pack of party balloons that were leftover from his niece's 5th birthday party...
January 26, 2011 2:52 PM
"So we rallied together, breaking our piggy banks and set out to buy every balloon within a 50 mile radius."
Everyone in the neighborhood gathered for a ballon blowing party. After hours of blowing we had more balloons than we could count, and Old Man Buttwink was hospitalized for overexerting himself. We tied on the balloons ten at a time, until mean little Jimmie was flying high in the sky. Higher, and higher, and higher he flew, until we could just about see his his pathetic face crying boohoo.
January 26, 2011 4:14 PM
A cacophony of excited sound erupted in the neighborhood as Jimmy's cold air balloon slowly drifted away. Eventually he was no longer even a spec in the sky and the daily mechanicians of the small town resumed. As days passed and chatter about Jimmy diminished it was as if he never existed. The "Great Jimmy Purge" as it was eventually referred to had a positive impact on the denizens of Jimmy's old stomping ground. In a sense Jimmy brought everyone together. The following summer there was even a block party that went late into the night. No one ever asked, "I wonder what happened to Jimmy?"
And what did become of Jimmy, you might wonder?...
January 26, 2011 4:39 PM
And what did become of Jimmy, you might wonder?...
Jimmy lie frozen, helpless as the balloons took him higher and higher. He could hear the jubilant cheers of the people he had tormented for so long. He thought to himself, those bastards will pay someday. I can't float around forever and when I get down, oh how they'll pay. He would have uttered these words aloud if his vocal chords hadn't been frozen solid. The most he could utter was a low barking grunt that resembled a sea lion's mating call.
He floated along for days, weeks perhaps even months. He lost track of time. Then one day he heard it, "Pop!" It was the first balloon giving way...
January 26, 2011 5:01 PM
The balloons continued to pop and Jimmy's spirits began to improve as he realized that his ordeal would soon be over. Pop pop pop! As the colorful orbs burst Jimmy sensed that he was descending. The sensation was not unlike the feeling you get when an elevator first begins to move downward. Initially it was a gentle decent but Jimmy became alarmed when he sensed that he was picking up speed at a terrifying rate. Before Jimmy went into full panic mode his crazy ride ended with a harsh thud. After a moment he realized that he was back on the ground, but where? The hard landing caused fatal damage to Jimmy's ice tomb and he was able to claw his way out. He gazed into his surroundings but was unable to see anything except spots in front of his eyes that resembled dancing balloons. When his pupils finally adjusted to the sunlight he glimpsed his new home. It was only then that Jimmy realized just how far he had traveled...
January 26, 2011 6:36 PM
"Zebras?" Jimmy asked questioning his own eyes, "Holy shit! I'm in fucking Africa!"
Sure enough, that's exactly where Jimmy had landed. Right smack in the middle of Ethiopia. He looked around but saw no sign of human life anywhere around. Oh what a fine mess he'd gotten himself into this time. He reached into his pocket elated to find his cell phone was still there. Jimmy flipped the phone open, dead. He stood there alone amongst the zebras not having the foggiest notion of how he was to get out of this mess. He threw his hands up in the air and bellowed, "Whyyyyyyyyy!" as balloons cascaded down around him a virtual rainbow of rubber orbs.
January 26, 2011 7:01 PM
" When he reached into his pocket the only thing he found was a pack of party balloons that were leftover from his niece's 5th birthday party..."
Chris decided to throw caution to the wind and go back to Jennifer's apartment, chances were she'd have one. Five minutes in the door and they were hot and heavy on the couch. He was ready, she was ready, and he was just waiting for her to produce what he needed. Several minutes passed, maybe hours. She cleared her throat, over and over, obviously waiting for him to make his move. He excused himself to the bathroom and quickly searched the medicine cabinet and drawers. Nothing! He darted quietly to her bedroom and searched it inside out. Out of options he reached into his pocket and pulled out a balloon.
January 26, 2011 7:12 PM
"Out of options he reached into his pocket and pulled out a balloon."
Chris hesitated for a moment and began to debate the pros and cons. The lights are dim, Jennifer is drunk, and she's giving him all the signs that he's about to get lucky, would she even notice? He looked down at the balloon in his hand. A condom is really just a balloon anyway, right? Perhaps it was the wine or perhaps it was the pure animal lust a man experiences when he's about to gain access to the promised land, but whatever it was Chris decided to go for it. After more effort than he cared to admit he managed to get the balloon on his manhood. He looked down at his work and had to laugh. The balloon resembled one of those sleep hats you might see in a 1920's movie. Chris turned off the bathroom light and made his way back into the bedroom. Jennifer was in bed in a sexy pose. Chris began to walk towards her as his sleep-hat "condom" swayed back and forth...
January 26, 2011 7:22 PM
'He threw his hands up in the air and bellowed, "Whyyyyyyyyy!" as balloons cascaded down around him a virtual rainbow of rubber orbs.'
His scream of anguish disturbed a group of birds in a nearby tree and they took off in unison to escape the strange danger. Jimmy suddenly felt week and collapsed to the ground. Weeks of convalescence had atrophied his muscles and he found it difficult to stand for any length of time. After a few minutes he realized that he was not alone. In a addition to the din of wildlife he was convinced that he heard giggling. Jimmy was correct. In a matter of moments he was surrounded by a group of children all adorned in tribal markings...
January 26, 2011 7:38 PM
"Jennifer was in bed in a sexy pose. Chris began to walk towards her as his sleep-hat "condom" swayed back and forth..."
Chris couldn't believe his luck. He imagined his night crashing down on him for the thousandth time, now with Jennifer laughing and pointing at his junk. But instead she'd let out a whoop of joy followed by a growl of primal lust. Now he was looking up at this gorgeous woman as she writhed up and down on him, bathed in the swirling lights of the disco ball. Disco ball? Where had that come from? Then he noticed Jennifer grap a velvet rope hanging from the ceiling, one of a set of such ropes hung in a row. (One of them, not the one Jennifer gripped, had a small disco ball hanging from it.)
Still riding Chris, Jennifer gave the rope a fierce yank, and suddenly they were covered in balloons, falling from hidden trap doors in the ceiling and bouncing around everywhere, filling the room. As they kabounded stupidly around her Jennifer rapidly ascended to a tulmutuous climax.
"How did you know???" she screamed joyfully, "HOW did you KNOOWWWW!!!!"
Chris could not believe his luck. First the balloons save him at the restaurant, and now this...
January 26, 2011 10:03 PM
"In a matter of moments he was surrounded by a group of children all adorned in tribal markings..."
Jimmy dropped into a protective crouch, fear lending his stiff muscles a sudden strength. But then he noticed something...they were much smaller than him. This he understood.
He rose from his crouch and swaggered over to the nearest one, who eyed him warily but didn't drop his smile. Figuring to make his message strong and quick, Jimmy threw a quick jab at the kid's teeth.
Half a second later he was flying through the air, flipping onto his back. He hadn't even seen the kid move. Bracing for impact, he was surprised when he landed on a springy cushion of balloons, and he bounced the other way...
At the momen when his head was pointing staight down, Jimmy took a vicious blow to the head. One of the kids had kicked him with startling force. He was flung sideways but bounced again, this time being jabbed in the back as he spun once more...
"These balloons!" thought Jimmy in a rising panic, "they didn't come from my icy prison, they were part of the attack!"
And icy jolt of terror seized his heart. The first of many moments of terror to come: terror of Balloon-Fu.
January 26, 2011 10:36 PM
"Jill yanked the ripcord and a bright red parachute revealed itself..."
The silky red savior whipped from its confines and Lan grinned and braced for the happy jolt that meant their lethal descent was halted. With his huge arms he gripped Jill around the waist. In a moment the silk gave way to the parachute's cords, and they both said "Hnnng!" as they heaved to a stop, Lan willing his arms to squeeze like they were an iron vise.
Just as the tension reached its apex, there was a horrific ripping sound as Jill's body was rent in two. Her screaming torso bounded into the air, spewing a thick plume of blood and gore. Lan stared agog at the hips and legs in his arms, then took arterial spray right in the eyes. Screaming, he pushed the carcass away from him.
It was too much to bear. He thought about when this had happened before, when "as he flailed in the air he reached into his pockets in an absurd effort to find anything that might save him." It had been an absurd effort because he was naked and had no pockets.
He looked at the condom in his hands. So much had
changed since he pulled that from his wallet, ready to get busy in a balloon.
Wait! Balloon! It probably wouldn't work, but at least he would go out giving Death the finger. He unwrapped the condom and held it horizontally above his head, willing it to fill with air and slow his fatal speed.
For a few seconds, nothing, then with sudden whoosh it filled up. He could already feel himself slowing. "Good thing I got magnum!" He smirked to himself.
January 26, 2011 11:01 PM
"Chris could not believe his luck. First the balloons save him at the restaurant, and now this..."
Chris stared in unbelieving wonder as two waiters and the maître d' were all mincing around the room lost in delight, each bouncing a balloon on their finger to keep it aloft. On his arm, Jennifer giggled, and pulled him slowly towards the door. There was no talk of the check, and Chris took his moment.
A minute later the three men suddenly looked at each other. "They didn't pay!" they said in unison, and stormed out the door in a group.
The headline the next day read: FOUR DEAD AFTER NAKED, MULLETED MAN FALLS FROM THE SKY.
January 26, 2011 11:07 PM
"'Good thing I got magnum!' He smirked to himself."
As if the Universe itself was somehow offended, at that precise second the condom popped.
January 26, 2011 11:09 PM
"She soon sprung into our love basket, yanked a lock of hair from my head, and flung her and Lan's bodies over the side."
I'd been drifting for an hour, my coldness giving way to numbness and fear. I remembered when "Lan was wrapped around me like a pretzel and I gently pushed him off me so I could put my clothes on." Silly me, I left my clothes with Adam. Lan's had gone over the side when Jill took him.
I think Jill took a swipe at me with a machete or something, because somehow in the melee the ropes holding the basket had been badly damaged. I'd watched the basket drop into oblivion and had been hanging on ever since. My weakening grip was a moot point, for as I watched the rope began to unravel far above me. Cripes, where the fuck had Lan gotten this deathtrap?
As I watched the last strands of rope spiral away from the core, I became suddenly serene. I'd followed lust and it would take my life. So be it, I thought, and as the last thread snapped I opened my arms wide, falling backwards into I knew not what, ready to accept whatever fate had in store.
Fucking balloon.
January 26, 2011 11:18 PM
"Chris could not believe his luck. First the balloons save him at the restaurant, and now this..."
Chris and Jennifer lay on the bed, stealing looks at each other and smiling. They'd laid around stunned for a while, had a smoke for the fun of it, and got back into bed and lazily bounced balloons at each other. Chris had read about looners before, but he never thought one would be so hot. He got the feeling she was getting back in the mood, and he was feeling that he was so there. Nothing could make this night go better. He looked up through the open skylight and smiled.
Then he squinted. Was that? Before he could think "flying hot ass" a naked woman sailed throught the skylight and impacted the balloon covered bed. She was bounced straight up and quite high, back out the skylight in fact, before she fell back inside safely.
Jennifer and Chris, bounced to the floor by these shenanigans, clambored onto the bed to see what was going on. The mystery woman saw the cigs on the bed, pulled one out and lit it.
Chris looked at Jennifer, who smiled naughtily. Then he looked at the newcomer. Let it ride, he thought. Out loud he said "threesome?"
The woman arched her eyebrows and thought a second. "Sure," she said.
January 26, 2011 11:27 PM
The woman arched her eyebrows and thought a second. "Sure," she said.
Chris couldn't believe his luck! He's heard others brag about threesomes but never thought it would ever happen to him. Then the worst thing that can happen to a man in this situation happened, his "balloon" deflated. Perhaps he was over-thinking it; how do you please two women at the same time while maintaining tumescence? Chris quietly screamed in horror as he felt the impact of such thoughts on his libido.
Jennifer and the mystery woman looked at Chris and started to laugh. It started out as cute giggling but soon turned into unpleasant mocking. "Too much for you?" mystery woman practically purred. Chris remained silent in his humility. The two women looked at each other and nodded in a knowing way that made Chris wary.
Before his mind could comprehend what was happening the two vixens had him hogtied, with balloons! The waif-like ladies, if you could call them that, managed to transport Chris to Jennifer's jeep.
The car ride seemed long and Chris lost all sense of direction. Mercifully his ride came to a stop and Chris once again felt groping hands all over his body. An hour ago this would have turned him on, but now he was terrified.
Chris was tossed out of the jeep like yesterdays garbage and he landed with a painful thud. The jeep drove off and Chris looked around, which wasn't easy given his precarious position. "Oh my god!" he thought when he realized where he was...
January 27, 2011 8:22 AM
I took the day off work yesterday and by the time I got home from San Francisco it was too late to get it together to contribute something good. I enjoyed reading everyone's stuff today. (It took me like an hour.)
January 27, 2011 6:26 PM