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(1987) **1/2

The monster squad is a group of 12-year olds who spend their days talking about horror movies and debating various horror trivia. What a bunch of losers, huh? They meet in one of those tree houses that only exist in the movies. You know, it’s supposed to look slapped together but it’s incredibly huge, sturdy, nicely decorated and has electricity. My treehouse consisted of exactly 3 boards and often fell down when I sat on it. It kind of resembled this beauty,
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Anyway, a number of events coalesce suggesting that the “real” monsters are congregating in the squad’s small town. Luckily, monster squad leader Sean recently found Van Helsing’s diary, which describes an ancient amulet composed of “conentrated good”. The diary further reveals that each century the amulet becomes vulnerable to destruction for one day as the forces of good an evil become balanced. Huh? Coincidentally this day of balance will be occuring in 48 hours. Okay, stay with me here. The monster squad conclude that it is necessary to acquire the amulet and read an incantation from Van Helsing’s diary, which would have the effect of creating a portal in the sky, casting the monsters into Limbo. I need a break.
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The only problem is that the amulet is located in a secret room under the house where the monsters are meeting. Fortunately for the monster squad, the room is protected with numerous holy symbols and junk, preventing Dracula and gang from easily taking it. Will the monster squad be able to break into the monsters’ home, grab the amulet, and send the monsters back to hell before it’s too late? Go see Monster Squad.
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Like Van Helsing (2004), Monster Squad is an earlier example of squandered opportunity. Creating a good story with the classic Universal monsters should be a no-brainer. It would be like gaining the rights to use Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Kruger, and Pinhead. Instead, the “monsters” in Monster Squad are watered down, neutered threats with Frankenstien presented as a comedic character. Granted this is a kids' movie, but there should be some respect for these old characters and some attempts to maintian their integrity. There is nothing scary about them and surprisingly they receive little screen time. When the Gillman briefly pops out of a sewer he is immidately shot and killed. The Wolf Man and Mummy have exactly one good scene near the end of the film. I mean, shit, if I had access to these classic monsters I’ve have them in every goddamn scene even if they’re just standing around the water cooler..
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It’s interesting to watch films from the 1980s compared to today. It's clear that the ratings system was murkier in terms of acceptable content. While the “scares” are tame the language is, at times, quite adult. For example, in this scene Dracula says to this little girl,
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“You little BITCH!”

In another scene one of the boys sarcastically remarks that his teenage sister lets all the guys, “squeeze her tits” (!) Later, after realizing that a virgin is needed to read an anti-monster incantation, the same boy repeatedly asks her sister if she is a virgin. Hesitating she claims that she is but notes, "Well, Steve but he doesn't count." (!) This is a film made for the Goonies crowd for crying out loud. It’s also funny how non-PC the film beocmes at times. For example, one of the monster squad members, a fat kid, is referred to as “fat kid” throughout the film!
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Monster Squad disappoints on all levels. It’s not funny, it’s not scary, the FX are terrible, the action is lame, and there’s nary a boob. Oh right, kids’ movie.
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Fat kid

Oh yeah, and this annoying kid is in it
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