As most of you might know, Octo and I were arrested in 1984. Yep, that’s right, arrested. Our crime? On a warm spring evening Octo, myself, and our friend Keith (who is unfortunately insane today) were bored and we decided that it might be fun to climb on top of Barrington Middle School. Let me provide a bit of context here; Octo and I LOVED climbing and we took every opportunity to climb on trees, buildings, structures, you name it. Octo had recently acquired his driver’s license, which made our ability to explore new climbing opportunities that much easier.
After mulling over our options the Barrington Middle School appeared to be the most convenient and appealing climbing challenge. We quickly hopped into Octo’s tiny excuse for a car and made our way to our climbing destination. Pulling into the parking lot we were delighted to find that the place was completely deserted – mind you this was in the early evening so it wasn’t that surprising. We started our assent.
We made it onto the roof lickety-split and began frolicking around, titillated with our (simple) achievement. We explored every corner and eventually lowered ourselves into the courtyard where there was a small green house. At some point we tried the door to get into the school but had no luck, which turned out to be a very good thing. Climbing back onto the roof from the courtyard we were horrified to see a vehicle pull into the parking lot. We weren’t certain but I recall some nervous chatter about it possibly being a police car. We lay low for a while but our hearts sank when several more cars pulled into the lot – there was no mistake, they were police cars. [Image]
A plan was quickly hatched to slowly lower ourselves onto the ground in an attempt to make it back to Octo’s car, which was unfortunately in plain view. We almost made it. We were stealth-like in our decent off the roof and we actually got back to Octo’s car. Unfortunately this was also when we heard, “Freeze!” It was all over. Before we knew it we were swarmed by cops. We were quickly lined up against Octo’s car and handcuffed together. The beefy, mean cop who nabbed us noted, “Sonitrol got ya!” Later we were to learn that Sonitrol was a silent alarm system. Go figure.
The rest of the evening was just a nightmare. We were taken to the police station in the back of a cruiser and we sat in terror as we listened to the squawk of the police radio. We heard communication suggesting that the cops were inside the school checking to ensure that we hadn’t stolen computers (?!) or caused any sort of mayhem. The worst part was hearing the police desk jockey phone our parents to inform them that their thug teenagers were arrested and to come pick us up. The aftermath was uncomfortable. My father picked me up and he was cool about it. My mother, on the other hand, was livid and I was grounded (the only time in my life) and prevented from seeing Octo for a few weeks. It all blew over, of course, and today my mother is able to acknowledge that we really hadn’t done anything too terrible. Still this experience had a profound effect on my life. To this day cops scare the hell out of me.
So how about it, Horrorthonners? Tell me your tales of crime and punishment. What did you get away with? What did you get caught doing? I’d like to believe that the Horrorthon crowd is pure and above such seedy matters, but I suspect differently.
"HHD: Crime and Punishment"
50 Comments -
Octo forgiven
yet I am still Devil's spawn
your Mom is unfair
Believe it or not
I've never been arrested
luck or skill? Just luck.
March 31, 2010 6:08 AM
If it's a real crime
Sneaking into the movies
Than I'm a bad guy
Six years at Showcase
Taught me everything I know
About "free" movies
Paying for movies
Makes me sick to my stomach
Which is why I sneak
After Avatar
I stole my 3D glasses
For future movies...
March 31, 2010 6:15 AM
Frankly I'm afraid
For what Catfreeek will reveal
Through haiku today
March 31, 2010 8:02 AM
Dick cop encounter
Reamed me out for jaywalking
Ten minute lecture
March 31, 2010 8:08 AM
Murder, arson, rape
Just another afternoon
For Stan in Jersey
March 31, 2010 8:23 AM
Traffic stop with cop
He said, "Click it or ticket"
Rhyme and punishment
March 31, 2010 8:28 AM
Dang! Stanley stinker
There oughtta be a pun law
Take him away, boys
March 31, 2010 8:48 AM
Young Stan caught in store
Lifting an Italian Ice
3rd grade criminal
March 31, 2010 9:12 AM
high school laughlin trip
played *one nickel* in a slot
the hammer came down
"what are you doing
gambling in *my* casino?!"
sez officer 'stache
stunning power trip
all that insane posturing
for one damned nickel
March 31, 2010 9:16 AM
first shoplifting crime
age 4: Gemco cap pistol
walked right through the door
mom saw instantly
i was four. knew no better.
why all the yelling?
March 31, 2010 9:22 AM
Heavy embezzling
Friends "worked" as phantom extras
I collected cash
Scam for the ages
Friends just got checks in the mail
I got free beer/rent
March 31, 2010 9:39 AM
Stealing was easy
Back in the 1980s
Before computers
Just swap out price tags
Cashier was oblivious
Probably didn't care
My greatest triumph?
Scored an Atari cartridge
For $2.99
March 31, 2010 9:41 AM
My earliest crime?
Peeled sticker of chick's lunchbox
Put it on my own
What was the sticker?
A Luke Skywalker, of course
Stormtrooper disguise
Chick ratted me out
Attempted to lie to mom
Tears gave me away
Learned crime does not pay
When you're 8-years old, at least
Got better at it
March 31, 2010 9:47 AM
Hundreds of CDs
Swiped from Blockbuster Music
Knew where cameras were
Worked the register
Scanned nothing. Friends left with bags.
Scam For Ages II
The karmic payback
Two huge CD books stolen
Car window smashed
March 31, 2010 10:23 AM
A Star Wars tableau
The famous trash compactor
With Chewie, Leia
The bit I wanted
The indigenous monster
The rest was garbage
Solution? Easy
Buy it, finesse it open
Remove goods, return
This time, a problem
Monster head poked from the sludge
Clearly visible
Solution? Dope moves
Sculpted, painted replacement
Stuck it back in there
Later, saw it re-shelved
With my faux dianoga
Real monster's all mine
March 31, 2010 10:24 AM
Planet Hollywood
Stole STRAIGHT from cash register
That place really sucked
Justification:
Had to hear "I'm Too Sexy"
Twenty times per shift
What other recourse?
Minimum wage don't cut it
They OWE ME, dammit
March 31, 2010 10:26 AM
Thank god for The Strand
Best used bookstore in the world
What's better: they buy
Publishing dough sucks
I would make weekly Strand trips
Stuffed bag in each hand
Not strictly allowed
Weren't s'posed to sell our books
A rule I ignored
Mondays, before lunch
The dude who worked that buy shift
Way more generous
Nicked those books all week
Really pushed risk envelope
I was never caught
March 31, 2010 10:46 AM
Got a lunchbox yarn
Jerk boy steals my friend’s box
I tell, and he duels
Recess comes and goes
I’m safe…nope…fist in stomach
Result of ratting
March 31, 2010 10:46 AM
Mug shots, finger prints
Underwear flew in the air
Tagged a shoplifter
No joke…underwear
Why go down for underpants?
Should have stole a Porsche
Word spread like butter
Was nicknamed the panty thief
It stuck for years…years
Mom forced me to church
“Save her knickers stealing soul”
She bawled to no one
March 31, 2010 10:47 AM
Broke single parent
I know that's no excuse but
I had bills to pay
Showcase was easy
resell the ripped ticket stubs
deposit cash in shoe
I rationalized
that it isn't what you steal
but who you steal from
So Sumner Redstone
with multi billions in cash
could afford the loss
March 31, 2010 11:23 AM
Move on to Walmart
put me in electronics
free video games!
I'm a hypocrite
busted fellow employee
for stealing some games
Recovered from him
$42,000
stolen merchandise
He just got greedy
it takes a thief to catch one
so I called him out
Got awarded praise
and offered a position
with security
I don't feel bad though
Walmart deserves to be robbed
for being shitheads
March 31, 2010 11:34 AM
I worked at Showcase
Octo worked in pizza joint
movies for pizza
Movie passes ruled!
They were better than money
Felt like drug dealer
Hated Jimmy Fund
Or as I liked to call it
The ole 'Gimmie Fund'
Thanks to Gimmie Fund
I beat every arcade game
Even the shooters
March 31, 2010 11:34 AM
My heroes: you guys!
All these moral corners cut
What a bunch of sneaks
When we're all in Heck
You know the Horrorthon lounge
Will have the best stuff
March 31, 2010 11:36 AM
From this day forward
Whirlygirl shall thus be known
As the 'Panty Thief'
$300 dollars
Ticket for passing school bus
Yep, the Panty Thief!
March 31, 2010 11:36 AM
True love hooligans
Tony & met I as teens
stole door off cop car
At Dunkin Donuts
stupid cop parked on blind side
took the door and ran
March 31, 2010 11:47 AM
Be on the lookout!
Super Delicious Boom Boom
Master criminal
March 31, 2010 11:48 AM
"Tony & met I" should say "Tony & I met"
March 31, 2010 11:49 AM
As a drunken teen
I once mooned a cop and ran
good thing I was fast
Barrington high school
never once payed for my lunch
stole pizza and fries
Not that I was broke
spent my lunch money on weed
teen priorities
March 31, 2010 11:54 AM
16 with large breasts
got me served at liquor stores
swapped cleavage for booze
Stopped with booze in car
I panicked and flashed the cop
so he let me go
Slammed into guardrail
booze in car, sirens wailing
drove off unnoticed
March 31, 2010 12:03 PM
Jimmy Fund remorse
Cancer research money used
To buy cigarettes
March 31, 2010 12:19 PM
I chewed Barney out
for taking Jimmy Fund cash
felt morally wrong
It's WHO you steal from
Okay to steal from Sumner
not from cancer kids
Robbing Walmart's great
but don't rob the employees
that's just immoral
Just like Robin Hood
Steal from rich, give to the poor
but I was the poor
March 31, 2010 12:27 PM
Ben Franklin's was good
For a five finger discount
Great for Star Wars cards
The only challenge
Was to avoid the old man
A real mean bastard
March 31, 2010 1:16 PM
That Ben Franklin dude
he hated us kids so much
he caught me stealing
I was still little
took a bubble gum cigar
was a yellow one
I was with my Dad
then the old guy called me out
Dad whooped my ass too
March 31, 2010 2:53 PM
Robocop query
Badass cyborg with a gun?
Or heartbroken man?
March 31, 2010 3:11 PM
That Ben Franklin's guy
Busted my thieving ass too
M.U.S.C.L.E. Man figures
March 31, 2010 3:26 PM
That Ben Franklin's guy
made me be a better thief
learned ninja stealth skills
March 31, 2010 3:38 PM
That Ben Franklin's guy
End of the aisle, arms folded
Legs wide, knowing glare
March 31, 2010 3:51 PM
That Ben Franklin's guy
He missed my first ever theft
Plain pink eraser
March 31, 2010 3:53 PM
that ben franklin's guy
caused my first panic attack
(shoplifting lipgloss)
March 31, 2010 5:25 PM
Thought Ben Franklin's guy
Bared a strong resemblance to
host from "Beat the Clock"
Wonder if he knew
he caused us lifelong trauma
I'm sure he would laugh
March 31, 2010 6:01 PM
That Ben Franklin guy
Heard he stole the kite & key
Zap! There's your payback
That Ben Franklin guy
Get off my five dollar bill
Thieving colonist
March 31, 2010 6:17 PM
Sorry for the non-haiku form for a moment. I'm cracking up over the Ben Franklin's guy. My first job was working there!!
Anyhoots. On to haiku's!
March 31, 2010 6:21 PM
Rents weren't grounders.
Much worse to have to endure
"The Lecture" from Burt.
Poor younger brother,
got shitfaced with friends when twelve!
Rents became grounders.
March 31, 2010 6:23 PM
Curse of the teenage shoplifter. Did I really
need eighteen lipsticks?
Caught not once, but twice.
First - Barrington CVS.
Mortification!
But lesson not learned.
Swansea Mall Caldor. Mall cop
earned his pay. Asshole.
March 31, 2010 6:24 PM
This comment has been removed by the author.
March 31, 2010 6:26 PM
I did manage to
avoid the Barrington cops.
Hmmm. *knocking on wood*
I thought it better
to leave that distinction to
Landshark and Octo.
Both of whom spent time
in the Barrington lock-up.
Ha-Ha-Ha! Suckers.
March 31, 2010 6:27 PM
What a thieving bunch
Horrorthon shoplifter hell
with Ben Franklin's guy
March 31, 2010 6:31 PM
JSP got caught
By the mean Ben Franklin guy
What's the story, bro?
March 31, 2010 6:49 PM
Octo knows that I
Am annoyingly straight laced.
A rule follower.
So I got nuthin'.
Nuthin' nuthin' nuthin', nope.
Not a criminal.
Once I stole a top,
But it was by accident.
In my pocket. Oops.
Occasionally,
I defraud the government,
Just at my job, though.
In that case, the cash
Is for the school. Not myself.
I steal for others.
And "defraud" makes it
Sound more exciting. It's not.
I do break rules, though.
But the rules are dumb.
It's just a different version
Of doing good, see?
I wish I could be
Self centered, greedy, and bad.
It would be more fun.
My true evil is:
I will tell you what I think.
Again, too honest.
March 31, 2010 9:01 PM
Humor misfire
Crap. Franklin's on the $100
Stupid Abe Lincoln
Whole crux of humor
A moot point when you fuck up
Research those punchlines
(love that "rules are dumb" one, Julie!)
March 31, 2010 9:10 PM