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(1962) **1/2

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I had extremely low expectations in the special effects department and yet I still somehow found myself grossly disappointed. Most of the problems had to do with the fact that King Kong is played by a guy in a monkey suit and the few scenes of stop-motion animation are very lazy indeed. I'm talking 2-4 frames per second lazy. If you can overcome such obstacles there is some serious fun to be had.

This one is all about expectations. I had never viewed a Godzilla movie beginning to end before and figured this one would be a hoot. And a hoot it most certainly was! Perhaps even two or three hoots. Before discussing the epic confrontation itself, let's get the plot out of the way as quickly as possible (as the filmmakers did).

A submarine crashes into a glacier in the arctic, reviving a frozen Godzilla. The giant lizard heads instinctively towards Tokyo where he is sure to pound buildings. So that's his deal. Meanwhile King Kong is living the good life, getting worshiped and catered to by good natured natives on a remote South Pacific island. But then a giant land octopus attacks! This unexpected development may have been used to whet the audience's appetite before the big main event or perhaps it was meant to showcase how tough King Kong really is. I don't know and I don't care. What I do know is that Mr. Octopus is no match for the big hairy bastard. Kong wins this one handily.

But that doesn't solve the problem as to how to get Kong and Godzilla in the same place to go nuts on each other, does it? Japanese pharmaceutical company to the rescue! Faced with sagging sales, this company is hoping for a boost by using the gigantic ape in their latest ad campaign. They manage to capture him and ship him back to Tokyo. Problem solved. Now go use the bathroom if you need to and get that bowl of popcorn ready because some serious shit is about to go down…

I decided to root for King Kong because of my fondness for Donkey Kong but I was admittedly worried that he was in over his head. How could he possibly take on a fire breathing lizard? Well as the news commentators explain, Godzilla's brain is peanut sized so King Kong holds the primate thinking advantage. Still – Godzilla breathes fire and has a spikey tail so who the hell knows?

And we're off! And the battle delivers! Kong and the lizard beat the absolute PISS out of each other. Buildings are destroyed. Boulders are hurled only to be swatted back by tail. I was shaking with excitement in my seat. At one point Kong stuffs an entire tree down his foe's throat but Godzilla cleverly fire-breathes it out. Clearly that was awesome. Who wins, you ask? Wouldn't you like to know?