i'm good with kids, but i'm no help when they're infants can't change a diaper
(could probably learn but the smell of baby shit? insurmountable)
May 26, 2010 7:19 PM
[Image]Confession time; I can’t throw a football. It’s true and it’s just one of the many things I suck at. Over the years people have tried to show me how to properly execute a perfect spiral, however any and all attempts at throwing a football result in sheer embarrassment (picture the ball flipping end over end and you get the picture). One of my greatest fears is walking past people playing football and having the ball land somewhere near me; “Hey buddy, a little help?” No words strike mortal fear in my heart more than being asked to throw a football to someone. For some reason this seems to happen to me a lot. I’ve learned to “walk” the football over and hand it to the individual who referred to me as “buddy” [I hate that, by the way]. To add insult to injury my 10 year old son can throw a perfect spiral and on more than one occasion has asked me to play with him. I do it out of paternal duty but I die a little inside. I picture Ben in a shrink’s office some day saying, “My low self-esteem comes from throwing a football with my father…”
[Image]Like I said, football is only one of a multitude of suckage in my life. Despite taking statistics 5 times across 4 universities I still can’t do them. I can interpret an ANOVA table and execute a Chi Square with ease, but ask me to do anything beyond that and you might as well ask me to analyze the dead seas scrolls. This has been a huge impediment in my career because all research requires a sound understanding of statistical principals. If it wasn’t for AC and Mr. AC I’d probably still be in graduate school.
[Image]Public speaking? I’d rather be caned in Singapore. The few times I’ve ever had to public speak (mostly in graduate school), it ended abysmally. When I gave an impromptu speech at JSP’s wedding many years ago I was panicking on the inside. Let us never speak of it again. This too has hindered my career. I’m a full-time clinician these days and that’s the way I like it. One on one conversation is my comfort zone.
[Image]Oh there is so much more. I can’t drive a stick shift, I can’t wind surf or understand the principals of sailing, I have a terrible memory and cannot recall the details of anything I read or conversations I have (thank god for good chart notes), I never remember names, I forget what people do for a living (JSP, Jordan, 50P? No idea), I don’t how to play chess or poker and to this day I don’t understand the rules/scoring of a football game (“first down”, what the fuck does that even mean?), I suck at all board games and can’t play video games to save my life.
Wow. I’m depressed.
Okay Horrorthonners, I’ve bared my soul to you once again and I expect you do to the same. My favorite HHD topics are those that force people to reveal personal insecurities. Please don’t disappoint me!
"HHD: Things you suck at"
54 Comments -
admitting i'm wrong
incredibly difficult
fortunately rare
May 26, 2010 7:51 AM
batting-handicapped
throwing, catching, kicking fine;
can't hit ball with stick
May 26, 2010 7:53 AM
i just don't sleep well
of all the things i suck at
this for me is worst
May 26, 2010 7:53 AM
i've no fashion sense
don't do "outfits" or "shopping"
but you all knew that
May 26, 2010 7:55 AM
it's hard to say no
bites me in the ass daily
will i ever learn
May 26, 2010 7:57 AM
this is great topic
no dearth of material
now i'm depressed too
May 26, 2010 7:57 AM
I can not drink beer
Universal party fare
Weirdo with water
Problem bartending
"What do you recommend, dude?"
Drink water, weirdo
May 26, 2010 8:13 AM
I'm truly phobic
About life's rich paperwork
Ridiculous dread
I leave it undone
And drift into disaster
This is a problem
May 26, 2010 8:20 AM
Nemesis baseball
Can't catch flyballs in movies?
I so was that kid
May 26, 2010 8:29 AM
Playing basketball
Can't dribble without looking
An essential skill
At basketball camp
A whole damn week of wishing
They don't pass to me
May 26, 2010 8:33 AM
Not good at bowling
Our group had a four-year-old
Beat her by six points
The way your heart sinks
Ball drifts right after release
The eyes at your back
May 26, 2010 8:59 AM
Horrid singing voice
When singing “Happy Birthday”
I just mouth the words
May 26, 2010 9:10 AM
I also can’t bowl
Ball always drifts to gutter
As do all my thoughts
May 26, 2010 9:12 AM
I can’t hula hoop
I know it’s not important
It still bothers me
May 26, 2010 9:13 AM
I'm not artistic
I wish I knew how to draw
Rather than scribble
I wish I could write
I have published my research
But I have no prose
Perhaps I should paint?
Show it at modern museum
It would fit right in
Play an instrument?
I took piano lessons
Did nothing with it
Jealous of 'Thonners
All you jerks are artistic
I'm just autistic
May 26, 2010 9:55 AM
Whirlygirl is odd
She can't do imitations
Funniest damn thing
May 26, 2010 9:57 AM
Three hour torture
Little ball in tiny cup?
Golf: for masochists
Driving range? Okay.
Mini-golf? No problem there.
Combined? Sheer torture.
May 26, 2010 10:03 AM
8th grade little league
Not one hit. The whole season.
Stick to wiffle ball
May 26, 2010 10:05 AM
Can’t keep plants alive
Can’t stand up on a skateboard
Can’t throw a frisbee
May 26, 2010 10:41 AM
Heads up Horrorthon
Don’t play mini-golf with Stan
He’s been known to cheat
May 26, 2010 10:41 AM
3 feet off the ground
Utter humiliation
Rope climb in gym class
May 26, 2010 10:49 AM
Clothing eludes me
I have no sense of style
Don't know how to dress
Same haircut for years
I don't know how I should look
Causes me angst
May 26, 2010 10:55 AM
Would you care to dance?
Actually I’m fine right here
*Back against the wall*
May 26, 2010 10:58 AM
Can’t strum an F chord
My rock star dreams are destroyed
Damn Polish fingers
May 26, 2010 10:59 AM
I suck at cleaning
just can't get motivated
I dust once a year
Big pile junk mail
I throw it on the table
knowing that it's junk
My bedroom's messy
I do vacuum often though
a must with 5 cats
May 26, 2010 11:20 AM
(Should be big pile of junk mail)
May 26, 2010 11:21 AM
Ha ha ha Catfreeek
You suck at counting to five
Ha ha ha ha
ha
May 26, 2010 11:38 AM
How come I can ski
Yet I can't stop on ice skates?
One more mystery
May 26, 2010 11:41 AM
I’m a sore loser
Believe it or not it’s true
I prefer winning
May 26, 2010 12:11 PM
In JSP's world
Everybody sucks at chess
It's good to be king
May 26, 2010 12:21 PM
A button pops off
Needle/thread? No fuckin way
Cannot sew for shit
May 26, 2010 12:23 PM
I learn jobs quickly
but I get bored and move on
can't choose a career
Octo you're so right
really do suck at counting
still use my fingers
On the other hand
I sure as hell can count five
20 paws, 5 cats
May 26, 2010 12:32 PM
Can't say no either
this is why I have 5 cats
5 litter shitters
May 26, 2010 12:37 PM
If I step in shit
I will throw the shoes away
I know it's wasteful
May 26, 2010 1:18 PM
Can't cook a sandwich
Bad at taking directions
Wait, that's JPX
May 26, 2010 2:02 PM
Often lose cell phone
Never pick up anyway
Oh wait, that's Johnny
May 26, 2010 3:00 PM
Often lose my stuff
Never respond to email
Oh wait, that's Johnny
May 26, 2010 3:21 PM
Smart ass know-it-all
Skid marks in my underwear
Oops, that's Octopunk
May 26, 2010 3:35 PM
Bleah bluh bluh buh-bleeaahhhh
Buh bleah bleah BLEAH buh-buh-bleah
Me Johnny Sweatpants
May 26, 2010 4:30 PM
Multiple choice tests
I often change my answer
To the wrong response
Dread standardized tests
GRE's were a nightmare
Took them a few times
"All of the above"
Fall for it every time
There's no learning curve
"None of the above"
Don't even get me started
There's no learning curve
May 26, 2010 5:10 PM
Can't hold my liquor
I used to but now I'm lame
Water weirdo too
Can't do funerals
I never know what to say
sorry seems so weak
Tried acting in school
forgot lines so I improved
dumbfounding cast mates
May 26, 2010 5:19 PM
I can't use chopsticks
I end up looking stupid
I prefer a fork
May 26, 2010 5:47 PM
i can't drink at all
get silly and aggressive
on even a sip
May 26, 2010 6:21 PM
late night haikuing
just don't have the brain power
shoot my wad early
May 26, 2010 6:22 PM
I play puzzle games
I suck at video games
where I have to fight
I get all panicked
start pushing random buttons
til I wind up dead
Even better still
fight starts, hand off controller
beat this dude for me
Played Mortal Kombat
Got Baraka to blade slash
by pure accident
May 26, 2010 6:31 PM
I married a chef
for a good freaking reason:
can't cook worth a damn.
I've no feel for it.
Must follow a recipe,
and yet it still sucks.
May 26, 2010 6:35 PM
My son asked tonight,
"What's your favorite sport, Mom?"
"Uh...to play or watch?"
"To play," he replied.
"Yeah...I don't really play sports."
Perfect haiku choice!
I suck at all sports.
Did gymnastics in my youth,
growth spurt ended that.
Field hockey in gym.
Organized torture for me.
Dumbest sport ever.
"Let's play some softball!"
Yeah...I'm just gonna sit here.
No, I'm good really.
May 26, 2010 6:44 PM
Suck at card games too.
Always just play what I have;
no strategery!
May 26, 2010 6:49 PM
Don't get me started
on charades! Makes me break out
in hideous hives!
Who thinks this is fun?
First word - three syllables...Huh?
Here's some words - More Wine!
May 26, 2010 6:53 PM
Here's a future suck:
"Mom, can you help me with my Algebra homework?"
May 26, 2010 6:56 PM
Sudoku. Say what?
Puzzle game that involves math?
Wait. Am I in hell?
May 26, 2010 6:59 PM
a voice in my head
says i suck at everything
"try harder, sissy"
May 26, 2010 7:12 PM
tried snowboarding once
fell on head repeatedly
i can ski, at least
wanted to skateboard
no balance, tons of hand scrapes
in-line's fine for me
May 26, 2010 7:12 PM
i'm good with kids, but
i'm no help when they're infants
can't change a diaper
(could probably learn
but the smell of baby shit?
insurmountable)
May 26, 2010 7:19 PM