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[Image](1963) ***

This is a collection of Hawthorne stories arranged for the big screen and starring the ever satisfying Vincent Price. Not a single one turned out to be scary -- nor do I believe that they were even truly scary at the time of their release. Probably the last time anyone got a scare out of Hawthorne, they immediately replied, "Oh Bully! You've quite cocked my hat with these delightful yarns, Hawthorne! You're truly a huckleberry above a persimmon, if I have anything to say about it. Come! Let's off to the pub to get corned like b'hoys at a bucket-shop. O!"

Dr. Heidegger's Experiment -- 40 years have passed since the death of Heidegger's fiancee Sylvia, on the eve of their wedding. Heidegger and his friend Alex discover in Sylvia's tomb, a water source that has kept Sylvia perfectly preserved through the decades. Heidegger postulates that this water will restore his youth and perhaps bring his Sylvia back from the grave. Unfortunately for Alex, reviving Sylvia means unravelling the secret he's kept all these years -- that he'd been having an affair with Sylvia and was, in fact, her killer.

Rappaccini's Daughter -- A young medical student, Giovanni, falls for Beatrice Rappaccini, the daughter of his neighbor, who was, twenty years earlier, the greatest scientist in Italy. But his wife left him for another man and, wounded, he vowed never to let sin touch Beatrice as it had his wife. He does this by confining the two of them to their house and by regularly injecting Beatrice with terribly acidic plant nectar, one which prevents any living thing from ever coming into contact with her. Every animal she touches turns purple and crumbles in a searing puff of smoke. Attempting to accomodate Beatrice's desires, the scientist injects Giovanni with the same stuff. This, naturally, pisses everyone off.

The House of the Seven Gables -- Gerald Pyncheon and his wife, Alice, return to his ancestral home so Gerald can look for the vault containing the family fortune. He attempts to win the assistance of Jonathan Maulle, who comes from a family with a long-standing vendetta against the Pyncheons. Alice, meanwhile, feels uncannily at home in the House of the Seven Gables, knowing what's behind every corner. Turns out she, herself, is the descendant of Maulle's great-grandfather's lover, and the spirits of the house do what they can to bring the two together.

We wade through so many twist endings, it's refreshing to come across stories so simple. There's no shock to be had here. What we get instead are three cozy little bedtime stories of mahogany and old leather and even older sentiment. Stay away from pestilence, Hawthorne tells us, and have a good night's sleep.